Marriage and the Muslimah
Someone asked a question in relation to a set of events
outlined in one of my books. The events revolved around a woman
who had accepted Islam but was married to a non-Muslim. There
were several questions raised in conjunction with these events,
but the essential issue concerns marriage and Muslim women.
Response: The character of the story that is discussed in my
book is a little different than you have outlined in
your posting. Initially, the shaykh in question
said the husband of the woman was an
unbeliever.
The issue was not that the woman had accepted
Islam and, therefore, because the man was not
Muslim, then, as a result, he was impermissible to
her. The man to whom the woman was married
was said to be an unbeliever.
This, of course, raises the question of what
constitutes being an unbeliever. Very instructive
in this regard is the fact that Iblis/Satan is
an unbeliever - not because he is an atheist
or because he believes in more than one God
but because he does not act - or try to act -
with sincerity in relation to Divinity.
Iblis knows God exists. Iblis knows it was
God who raised him in spiritual station to
associate amongst the angels and to even
teach them. Iblis knows God has dominion
over all things - and this is why, as
the Qur'an indicates, Iblis asked God's
leave for respite from the judgment against
him in order that Iblis could lie in wait on
the sirat-ul-mustaqueem (the straight path)
and try to lead human beings astray.
So, if Iblis accepts the existence of God, then, why is he
an unbeliever. He is an unbeliever because
he seeks to serve his own agenda - one which
is not rooted in the adab of spirituality and
sincerity with respect to God. Iblis does not
seek to serve God or be a servant of God,
he seeks to push his own likes and dislikes,
quite apart from what God wishes of those
beings - such as jinn and humankind - who
have the capacity to struggle with issues of
good and evil.
The man to whom the woman in question in
aforementioned book was married claimed
he believed in God. Yet, nothing he did was
consistent with such a claim.
He lied. He abused others - including both his wife
and children, as well as previous wives and their children.
He molested and raped a number of
women. He used people for his own purposes
and self-aggrandisement.
Furthermore, the things which, on the surface,
this man in the story seemed to do for others,
were really exercises in image-management in
order that others would think of him in a positive,
way ... a public image which was totally at odds with how he
acted in private and behind people's back. He did
these things not as acts of charitableness but so
no one would suspect him of being such a cruel,
controlling, abusive individual toward his wife
and his children.
Or, when this man did things "for" his wife, he
always did what he felt like doing and not what
she needed him to do in order for her to be able
to feel safe and secure and out of harm's way.
For example, no matter how many errands a
husband will run for a wife (or vice versa), what
difference does this make if the woman (or man)
feels constantly in danger and afraid of what his
or her spouse will do to one?
The man in the story did not act out of any sort of
spiritual principle. He acted totally in accordance
with his own likes and dislikes.
The word "God" may have come out of his mouth.
But the awareness of God's presence was to be
found nowhere in that man's heart.
Consequently, the man in the story did not even
have the belief of Satan. At least Iblis - when he
wanted something - asked God's help in satisfying
his selfish, evil desire to dissaude human beings from
the straight path.
A person - in the case of the story, a woman - who
accepts Islam becomes impermissible to an
unbeliever in the foregoing sense ... as is indicated
in the Qur'an - believing men for believing women,
and unbelieving men for unbelieving women.
Now, if the husband of the woman in the story had been
Christian or Jewish or a believer in one God, but with
some other spiritual designation, then, the issue becomes
different. And, here, it is important not to get caught up
in labels and names as is done so often these days when
people, on all sides of the issue, like to refer to anyone
who does not share their point of view as "infidels".
God is the One Who sees into our hearts. God is the One
Who knows whether, or not, sincere belief is present
in someone's inner being.
To be sincere does not necessarily mean that one is
perfect. Almost all human beings make mistakes
and commit sins.
To be sincere is to seek to persistently strive and
struggle toward Divinity as best one can. When one
makes mistakes, one repents for what one has done
wrong and tries not to return to the errant behavior.
To be sincere is to seek to learn about how to implement
principles of spirituality. To be sincere is to seek to
learn how to realize the Divine purpose in one's life.
Whether a person calls himself or herself a Christian,
a Jew, a Sabian, a Unitarian, or nothing in particular,
the litmus test to be, in some minimal sense, a believer
is to make a concerted effort over time to live a morally,
socially, and spiritually constructive life in accordance with
one's understanding of the principles which God has given
to human beings in many different geographical locations
and historical periods.
A person may call himself or herself a Muslim or Christian
or Jew or whatever, and, yet, not meet the foregoing
standard with respect to what it is to be a believer. However,
one needs to keep in mind that one does not have to be
a perfect, or even a very good, believer, in order to be
a believer in a minimal sense.
This is why one should not be too quick to claim that such
and such a person is a non-believer. One must also keep
in mind that at one point in an individual's life he or she
may be an unbeliever in the foregoing sense, and, yet,
by the Grace of God, become a believer later in life ...
or, one can be a believer - as was Iblis before his fall -
and, then, when God withdraws Divine support, one may
become an unbeliever.
Irrespective of label, if a person is a believer in the
foregoing sense, then, that individual should seek to
be married to a like-minded and like-hearted individual -
not necessarily with respect to all issues and ideas, but,
in general, the core of belief must be present in each
individual for them to be permissible to one another
as appropriate spiritual partners in marriage.
Life is such, however, that sometimes God changes
the heart of one person in a marriage without changing
the heart of the other person. For instance, one person
becomes inclined toward Islam but the other person does
not become so inclined. What should be done?
If the person whose heart is not inclined to Islam is
a believer in the foregoing sense, then, everything
possible should be done to preserve the marriage -
even if the person who is non-Muslim stays non-Muslim,
but strives to be a believer in the aforementioned sense.
If the person who is not inclined to Islam is a non-believer,
then, after a reasonable time (and different people will
have different ideas about what constitutes a 'reasonable'
time here), the person who has accepted Islam should
begin to find a way to maritally disengage himself or herself
from such an individual - because the relationship is not
based in anything essential or real or constructive ... either
for the individuals or for anyone else around them, including
children.
Among the mullahs and theologians, there is a belief that a
Muslim woman cannot marry a Christian or Jewish man or
any man who is other than Muslim. Muslim men, however,
are accorded the right to marry Christian or Jewish women.
Ostensibly, the reason for this difference is that these
mullahs and theologians say the children of such a marriage
belong to the man. Consequently, they claim that a Muslim
man who is married to a Christian or Jewish woman would
ensure that the children are brought up as Muslims, whereas
a Muslim women could not do this.
In truth, children belong to God, not to human beings, and
we humans are merely entrusted, for a short period of time,
to look after the needs of the children of God who are assigned
to us by Divine decree. In essence, marriage in Islam is a
contract between two people, and if the nature of that contract
serves the basic principle of helping children to become believers
in the aforementioned sense - that is, as people who persistently
strive to live life in accordance with spiritual principles which
will serve God's purpose, then, I am not sure what the limiting
principle would be to extending the same right to Muslim women
as Muslim men.
One should try to keep in mind that some of the things
which the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said
while in this physical world were said in a context of seeking
to reform Arab society from its days of ignorance. Not everything
which he said was necessarily for all time but, rather, may have
been said to deal with the ways things were at that point in time,
while continuing to work toward the reformation of Arab society
over a period of time.
One cannot take sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be
upon him) out of their full, spiritual, ecological context. They must
be considered in conjunction with a great many spiritual principles
in order to try to arrive at a considered judgment about how to
proceed in this day and age in a manner which is consistent with
the entire body of spiritual teachings - not just this or that isolated
precept.
The Prophet proved himself to be a very reasonable, pragmatic,
and flexible individual. He would never do anything to violate the
purpose of God, but, rather, everything he did was done in full
cognizance that there are degrees of freedom present within
every aspect of Shari'ah.
One should not transgress those limits. However, there is
nothing wrong with exploring what some of those degrees of
freedom might permit in order to serve God's purpose. This
is one of the reasons why there exist 5 different schools of
Islamic jurisprudence, and one should not suppose that the
door to ijtihad has closed in this respect.
Unfortunately, much of the Muslim community has long ago
abandoned striving to explore the degrees of freedom which
Shari'ah permits. We see the sad results of this decision
in every part of the Muslim world.
Degrees of freedom do not imply license. The challenge is to
look for those degrees of freedom which, insha' Allah, will
serve the Divine Himma or aspiration for human existence
vis-a-vis spirituality and life's purpose.
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