The Grieving Process
There often is a deep sense of loss associated with the experience of spiritual abuse –– a sense of loss that tends to be quite complex, giving expression to a variety of levels, dimensions, facets, and nuances of emotions, thoughts and concerns. While there are differences among individuals in the manner in which they respond to such loss –– reflecting variations in personality, temperament, coping strategies, and life history, nonetheless -- there also are a great many similarities in the general structure of this experience.
People who have gone through a process of spiritual abuse -- in fact, almost any kind of abuse -- are likely to have felt a combination of: shock, disbelief, denial, anguish, betrayal, anger, confusion, uncertainty, emptiness, guilt, shame, alienation, loneliness, sadness, distrust, self-criticism, embarrassment, suspicion, fear, regret, longing, nostalgia, identity-diffusion, moodiness, jealousy, agitation, insecurity, malaise, restlessness, and frustration. Many, or all, of these feelings may be part of the grief which an individual feels when confronted with the sort of massive assault on one’s sense of purpose, identity, meaning, orientation, community, commitment, self-esteem, security, harmony, and well-being which occurs when an individual is exposed to spiritual abuse.
The passage of time may dull some of the intensity of these feelings, but time, in and of itself, will not resolve grief. Resolution requires work, struggle, and Divine support.
Ever since Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the idea of emotional/cognitive stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance) in response to the news of death’s relative imminence, many people have not only elevated these stages into truisms which are universal, inevitable, and fixed, but have, as well, tried to make the grieving process synonymous with these five stages. In truth, dealing with the presence of grief is, by and large, something quite independent of the problem of having to come to grips with the fact that death is close at hand (for oneself or for a loved one).
More specifically, once an individual comes to accept the reality of death’s imminence, one is in the sort of emotional, psychological, and spiritual space that opens a person to beginning to struggle with, and work through, the different aspects of grief which are entangled with the sense of loss that ensues upon acknowledging that death is something that cannot be dispatched through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or, even, acceptance. Although there is a certain degree of overlap between learning to cope with the idea of death and undergoing a process of grieving in relation to perceived loss, to a large extent, the grieving process can only begin in earnest after the reality of death or the reality of a loss has been accepted.
Similarly, in the case of spiritual abuse, the work of grieving does not properly commence until a person is prepared to accept the fact that one has been abused. Until then, the individual is caught up in variations on feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression.
The dissolution of a spiritual relationship with an alleged spiritual guide is, in some ways, akin to someone telling one that something very important to one has died, or is about to die. In fact, for some people, upon learning of such news, their whole world collapses, never to be resurrected, and others even commit suicide, not being able to bear the pain of either having to accept what has transpired or the pain which is, likely, to be encountered during the subsequent processes of grieving and healing.
When realization begins to emerge about the possibility of spiritual abuse having been perpetrated on an individual, there is a tendency to deny such a possibility. The reason for this is very simple (albeit very painful) –– namely, such a budding realization carries with it a host of implications and ramifications that are extremely unpleasant to contemplate.
One tends to swing between phases of: no, this just is not possible, to having transitory inklings of: ‘Oh, my God, it’s true’, before reverting back toward a tendency to be in denial about what is going on. This sense of denial is so entrenched in some individuals that no matter how much the evidence mounts up that abuse has occurred, such people will: violently reject, or hostilely react against, or busily re-frame with some other explanation for, or just continue ignoring the available evidence.
One is inclined to be in denial about such information because, if true, one is going to have to go back to the drawing board and re-sketch many facets of meaning, purpose, nature, values, priorities, and direction of one’s whole life. After all, for someone who has been engaged in mystical pursuits, virtually everything such a person is doing, and has been doing, is leveraged around the fulcrum of one’s being –– that is, the belief one’s teacher is authentic and that the alleged guide knows the truth (or knows more of the truth than the seeker does), and that through one’s guide, one has access to the sort of truth which permits one to make spiritual progress toward realizing life’s purpose, and that one’s teacher constitutes a special locus of manifestation for the transmission, God willing, of certain kinds of spiritual barakah or grace.
If one’s teacher is a phony, a fraud, a charlatan, a spiritual abuser of people, then, where does that leave one? It seems to leave one pretty much in the middle of nowhere in a universe that, suddenly, has become a whole lot darker, denser, as well as considerably more confused, ambiguous, puzzling, anxiety-ridden, and, in certain ways, untrustworthy.
Even if one’s faith in the existence of God is not shaken by the potentially serious threat which has shown up on the radar screen of life in the form of a fraudulent spiritual guide, one feels cast adrift, wondering how one’s current situation vis-a-vis the teacher (which is one of having been betrayed in any number of ways) affects one’s relationship with Divinity and wondering how one should proceed. One moment an initiate feels wonderful, purposeful, committed, part of a meaningful whole, peaceful, protected, secure, happy, content, with a growing sense of spiritual identity, and, then, kaboom, the carriage has been turned back into a pumpkin, with mice scattering everywhere.
There is a lot at stake. Consequently, the presence of denial under such circumstances is not all that surprising when it occurs amidst the ruins generated by the possibility of spiritual abuse.
If (and there is no guarantee this will ever take place) an individual comes to acknowledge the evidence (and I mean evidence, not unsubstantiated allegations or rumors) which demonstrates that a so-called spiritual guide has been manipulating, exploiting, lying to, and abusing in various other ways, would-be seekers, the object of abuse -- that is, the individual seeker -- is likely to become quite upset, annoyed, hurt, and angry. There are different sources from which such anger arises.
Some individuals may, quite possibly, be angry with God if that person feels, for whatever reason, God had an obligation to save the seeker from, or warn the individual about such a situation. Quite frankly, even though Divinity IS concerned about the welfare of all of Creation, that concern does not have to operate in accordance with one’s expectations about how the universe should unfold or how Divinity should give expression to such concern in any particular case.
Divinity knows what Divinity is doing. We are the ones who have to get with the program, so to speak, and, consequently, an important part of the human quest is trying to struggle toward figuring out what that Divine program is, how it works, and where we fit into the scheme of things.
There is an old saying that ‘what doesn’t kill you, only make you stronger’ ... if, of course, one knows how to learn from such experiences. God sends difficulties, trials, problems, questions, and set-backs into everyone’s life, and spiritual abuse is just one of these obstacles in the road of life.
Nonetheless, grieving over loss, plays an important role in an individual’s struggle to learn the value and significance of this sort of difficult life experience. In a sense, grieving is a kind of debriefing process which a spiritually abused person must go through in order to derive the appropriate, constructive benefit from a heart, gut, and mind-wrenching set of events.
When abused people -- whether victims of rape, domestic violence, spiritual mistreatment, educational malfeasance, or molestation -- are not permitted to consider, analyze, reflect upon, work through, and let go of the sense of loss which ensues from such experiences, then, the damage caused by the abuse is likely to live-on in a problematic fashion along the horizons of consciousness, affecting pretty much everything the person feels, thinks and does. As a result, real healing can never proceed, and such people may end up in a condition known as ‘chronic grief’ –– a condition which, once established, is extremely resistant to ameliorative treatment.
The foregoing realities are some of the fundamental reasons why people (whether they be family members, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, colleagues, or institutional representatives, such as an imam or member of a congregation) who recite various Quranic verses or Hadith in an attempt to push or pull a person in the direction of healing often are by-passing something of considerable significance. More specifically, while well-intended, such spiritual advice, reminders, or counsel are not enough for a person to achieve, God willing: healing, stability, harmony, peace, and a readiness to continue on with seeking to fulfill the purpose of life.
Now, just so we are all on the same page here, let us be clear about one thing. In the foregoing, I am not saying that the Qur’an and Hadith are of no relevance here.
What is being said is this: all of life is a test, and giving mere lip-service to those tests is not enough. One must struggle, and strive, and make effort to learn how to take the tests of life, and how to learn from life’s homework assignments, spot quizzes, mid-terms, and major exams.
If one wants to come to understand something of the meanings of the Qur’an or the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), then, one must struggle to become open to this knowledge, to render oneself receptive to it, to work toward being able to resonate with such knowledge, to do what is necessary to validate in one’s heart, the truth of what is being said, and to gain an appropriate perspective concerning it. The Prophet (peace be upon him) is reported to have said: “This life is but a tillage for the next, therefore, do good deeds here that you may reap benefits there –– for, striving is the ordinance of God, and whatever God has ordained can be attained only by striving.”
Nothing is possible without striving, and striving is only a necessary condition, not a sufficient one. God alone is sufficient, and, in the mean time, our job is to strive –– to strive toward the truth of events, toward the truth of our lives, toward the truth of life’s purpose.
Bearing witness to the Divine unity and the Prophetic mission, performing ritual prayers, fasting, giving zakat, going on pilgrimage, engaging in zikr, acting through faith, performing good works, cleansing of the nafs, polishing the heart, emptying the sirr, realizing essential identity, observing adab, establishing sound character, offering service, learning, or putting into practice what one knows –– all of this requires striving. Grieving in relation to the losses associated with spiritual abuse is also a form of striving ... of attempting to understand, and integrate into one’s life, the meaning of having to endure such an experience.
If someone has been raped, molested, diagnosed with cancer, or lost a spouse, parent, or child, one doesn’t just say: “Well, as the Prophet said: ‘The hearts of all of the children of Adam are like a single heart between two of the fingers of the All-merciful and the All-merciful twists this heart in whatever way is willed. So, be strong, patient, and suck it up.” Nor, do we just say: “Surely to Allah we belong and to Allah is our returning.” (Qur’an 2:156)
We don’t ‘just’ say these things because they are untrue, but because the very nature of faith is something more than professing truths with the tongue. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) also taught that for real faith to be present, the truths must be verified by the heart, and the only way to verify something is go through whatever set of experiences are necessary for the heart to come to realize the wisdom and knowledge inherent in the truth being stated.
One can accept the truth of an ayat like: “O Humankind! There has come to you a direction from your Lord, and a healing for the diseases in the hearts, and a guidance, and a mercy for the Believers.” (10:57) However, one still must work through what is specifically –– and, not just generally –– entailed and encompassed by the issues of “direction”, “healing”, “diseases”, “guidance”, “mercy”, and “believers”. This is necessary because there are 73 sects present in the Muslim community trying to tell one what is meant by these issues, and all but one of them is wrong.
The Qur’an and Hadiths are not impersonal forms of guidance and direction. They are intended to be of heuristic, active value to every specific individual, in every particular instance of life.
Hazrat Abu Madyan, a great Sufi saint of earlier days, once said: “We have no desire for dried meat. We only wish for living flesh.” In other words, he did not want people talking to him about the spiritual truths that so and so had said, who had learned it from so and so, who had learned it from so and so, and so on. He only wanted the truths which had came fresh from the living hearts of those who were in direct contact with Divine wisdom and knowledge ... people who had gone through the experiential processes necessary to develop the faith, by the Grace of Allah, which is rooted in realizations and insights and unveilings and validations of the heart.
In a similar vein, Hazrat Abu Yazid al-Bistami said: “You acquire your knowledge in a state of death and you receive this dead knowledge from the dead. But, we derive our knowledge from the One Who is Alive and Who does not die.” The knowledge of tasawwuf does not come from books, mullahs, imams, scholars, philosophers, theologians, linguists, historians, or scientists –– it only comes through the heart, sirr, spirit, kafi, and aqfah which, each in turn, illumines the reasoning of the mind.
Faith depends on the quality of the light inherent in the experiences through which various truths are validated by the heart. The more spiritually intense this light, the deeper the faith that arises out of the validation process.
Consequently, the validation process which is required for the advancement of faith takes place in the context of particular sets of circumstance which must be worked out, and through, by a given individual. The individual must learn how to merge horizons with -- and, thereby, accommodate -- the truth as that truth is manifested in one’s life. Although Divine Mercy goes wherever the Divine purpose stipulates, at the same time, one would not be wrong to say that God helps those who strive to help themselves –– as the Prophet ( peace be upon him) is reported to have said: “Trust in Allah, but tie your own camel.”
All zikr, for example, carries benefit, and the Qur’an is constantly enjoining human beings to observe this practice –– in fact, so much so, that the Qur’an informs us: “Verily, ritual worship preserves one from lewdness and iniquity, but remembrance of Allah is more important.” (29:45). Yet, there is a science and art to knowing which zikr to say, at what times, and in what way, and for how long, and this science and art are only learned through experience and with the assistance of someone whom God has taken by the hand and will inform, via insight, as to what is appropriate or when or how –– so, knowing that zikr is important is not enough ... there is a specificity to it which must be striven for.
Furthermore, this striving is best done in the presence of, or with the support of, one who is well-versed in such spiritual arts and sciences. Anyone can do zikr and all zikr has the potential, God willing, to benefit an individual, but the circumstances under which, and through which, zikr is observed are not equally constructive or beneficial.
Most people, if they had to, could help birth a baby under normal circumstances. But, if complications arise, then, having someone around who knows what she or he is doing can mean the difference between life and death.
The same is true in the case of observing zikr. Some zikrs are quite safe to do without guidance, but others are not so straightforward and knowing how to proceed if complications should arise or if changes are required is something which shaykhs know about and the generality of mullahs, scholars, imams, and so on do not know or understand.
All of the foregoing is part and parcel of the problems which arise when one comes to discover that one has been spiritually abused and that the individual whom one believed was an authentic shaykh, turns out to be something else entirely. One finds oneself in a situation similar to that of people who have been seeing a doctor for serious, medical issues, only to find out that such a person has no medical degree and no real insight into medical issues.
In any event, grieving is a dynamic, labor intensive, time-consuming process which requires striving in the context of particular circumstances, and there is no general way of working through such a problem. Moreover, grieving is not just a matter of crying over spilt milk or feeling sorry for oneself –– in fact, if one simply sits back and just feels badly about what has gone on, grieving likely will become bogged down in an endless cycle of the same set of emotions, without any constructive consequences.
Under these circumstances, it is unlikely that any significant progress toward healing, harmony, balance, stability, perspective, resolution, and closure will be achieved. One must work out for oneself, in one’s own heart, what the Divine meaning and purpose of the experience of spiritual abuse involves ... no one else can do this work except the person who has been abused (although others can serve as compassionate witnesses who accompany the abused person on the quest for healing through an appropriate process of grieving).
As previously indicated, before one even can begin to grieve, the fact of spiritual abuse must be acknowledged. Working toward acceptance of this reality involves experiencing various forms of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression –– but not necessarily in any set sequence of stages.
Part of the aforementioned anger may be directed toward Divinity. Many people who experience spiritual abuse tend to share the sentiments of Oliver Hardy when he used to say to Stan Laurel, in their movies, “Well, this is another fine mess you have got me in,” where the “you” in this case is not Laurel but Divinity.
However, quite frequently, Allah fully intends to get us into various messes, and if one doesn’t like this, then, one will be in for a tough ride because the whole of life is about one mess after another –– “And We test you by evil and by good by way of trial. (Qur’an 21:35) And, “Verily, We have placed all that is on the earth as an ornament thereof, that We may try them –– which of them is best in conduct.” (Qur’an 18:7)
Life is a sequence of events which are designed to throw us off balance, in one way or another, which sets up the counterpoint challenge of trying to find ways to re-establish equanimity and harmony in our minds and hearts. Many of these events are truly heart-wrenching, but “God charges a soul only to its capacity,” (Qur’an 2:286) which, among other things, intimates that we only can do what, God willing, our capacity permits us to do, and that our job is to strive to do whatever it is that this capacity permits us to do by God’s leave.
In addition, most people who experience spiritual abuse are likely, during this period of working toward accepting the reality of having been abused, to begin pointing an accusing finger at themselves. Such individuals may feel stupid, foolish, naive, blind, and/or childish for having allowed themselves to be taken in by a spiritual fraud or quack.
Moreover, sooner or later, almost all, if not all, individuals who have experienced spiritual abuse direct a significant amount of their ire toward the person who has been perpetrating the spiritual abuse. One’s trust has been betrayed by that individual, and one’s inner sanctum has been violated in a very intimate way since spirituality goes to the heart of who a mystical seeker considers himself or herself to be.
When such spirituality has become contaminated, corrupted, and tainted in various ways by a fraudulent spiritual guide, the abused individual often tends to feel dirty inside –– as if one’s interior had been fondled by a form of evil ... which, in a very real sense, has taken place. Therefore, there is a natural tendency for an abused individual to harbor a considerable amount of resentment, hostility, and anger toward the perpetrator of spiritual abuse.
Finally, there is a certain amount of anger which tends to be directed at those individuals whom one tries to warn but who are in denial with respect to such information, or toward those people whom one tries to explain how one feels but who respond with disbelief and/or a lack of comprehension about why someone should find such events so upsetting. Insult is added to injury when the abused person is rebuffed further by others both within, as well as without, the abusive set of circumstances.
As the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) has indicated, there is no sin in feeling the presence of anger, but, rather, we should try to swallow the anger, once it arises. The Qur’an stipulates: “O you who believe, be steadfast witnesses for Allah in equity and let not hatred of any people seduce you so that you do not deal justly (with them). Deal justly, that is nearer to your duty. Observe your duty to Allah. Verily, Allah is informed of what you do.” (5:8)
Learning how to swallow anger, or learning how to be steadfast witnesses in equity and justice, are not easy lessons –– especially, when one has been the object of abuse. Consequently, the task is to find ways of putting one’s anger in perspective and responding to it in a constructive fashion.
My friends in Alcoholics Anonymous have a saying which I like. Don’t let people with whom one is angry rent space in your brain.
Anger and one’s sense of justification for being angry are the twin engines of a doomed flight. The best thing to do is not to provide the fuel for this flight of the ego to ever have the opportunity to lift off, and one of the best ways to deprive this vehicle of fuel is to continually shut off the valves of hurt, resentment, recriminations, and complaint through which the engines of anger and the need to feel justified in being angry are fueled.
One ought to employ full-time workers of unity who journey about one’s mind and heart and constantly scrub clean the residues of negative emotions and thoughts which seek to obscure one’s awareness of the Divine presence. These cleaners of our intentions should develop the capacity of ‘tasting’ which permits us to detect the presence of misunderstanding, impatience, intolerance, judgmental attitudes, speculation, and enmity through which jealousy, envy, pride, selfishness, dishonesty, greed, and thoughtlessness creep into our hearts and mind. The constant refrain of these soulful workers should be: “Wipe the slate of the heart clean! Wipe the slate of the soul clean! Wipe the slate of the mind clean -- always, everywhere, Wipe the slate clean.”
As long as we live in the past, we cannot live in the present. If we do not live in the present, we cannot focus on the Divine, for the Divine is only found in the here and now. The past is where we harbor our hurt, resentment, anger, complaints, accusations, doubts, suspicions, fears, and sense of betrayal concerning life and others. If we lay the past to rest on a continuous basis, the ghosts of the past cannot continue to haunt us in the present. Let go of the past, concentrate on the Divine in the ever-present now, and the future will take care of itself in accordance with the Divine purpose -- but, Divine help tends to favor the prepared, receptive heart and mind for such an individual is able to recognize such assistance when it arrives on one’s doorstep.
Wiping the slate clean, however, does not mean one should fail to take heed with respect to the set of events that have led, in the first place, to one being required to deal with such negative feelings as anger. Letting anger go does not mean one should just forget about why someone –– in this case, a fraudulent spiritual guide –– is not to be trusted.
Bargaining is another aspect of the process of working toward acceptance of the fact that spiritual abuse has occurred. Oftentimes, this dimension of the process takes the form of trying to convince oneself there really is, after all, a perfectly legitimate, rational, moral, explanation for what has transpired.
The abuse is re-framed as Divine Trickery, or a test of loyalty, or a paradoxical expression of grace, or the teaching of someone who is not bound by the usual protocols of Shari’ah and adab, or the carrying on of someone in a state of jazb or ecstasy, and so on. This exercise in re-framing goes on because the abused person is trying to bargain with herself or himself that the perceived link or access to the mystical path has not dissolved in the light of the mis-conduct perpetrated by the abuser.
When one is preoccupied with bargaining, one often feels that if one only will try hard enough, one may find a way to reconcile the abusive behavior with one’s desire to continue on with the mystical quest. One hopes to discover that what appears to be spiritually abusive is really not as it appears ... one would like it to be something else.
One doesn’t want to have to go back to the drawing board. One doesn’t want to have to find a new path or a new teacher. One doesn’t want to have to face the question of whom to trust. One doesn’t want to have to entertain doubts about one’s own competency to judge what constitutes an authentic spiritual way. One doesn’t want to be confronted with the prospect of, perhaps, never being able to realize the purpose of life. One doesn’t want to have to consider the possibility that one has been wasting time on an illusory quest.
So, one bargains with reality, and asks, pleads, prays, demands that what has transpired should be something else -- other than abuse -- which will not interfere with the mystical journey that one thought one was on. One goes over and over things to try to find a way of excusing the behavior so that it will not have to be called abusive ... so that it will not undermine the presumed legitimacy of one’s mystical activities.
Furthermore, the stage of bargaining also may involve phase-shifts in attitude with respect to the abuser. At one point, one may feel quite angry toward the abuser, and, then, all of a sudden, one’s mind may be flooded with nostalgic images of ‘better’, happier, more carefree times which were experienced in conjunction with the false teacher.
The abused person may begin to feel that the spiritually fraudulent individual had good points, and that certain beneficial things happened in relation to that false teacher and that one often felt quite happy, peaceful, safe, and so on in that person’s presence. Surely, things are not as bad as they seem. Surely, things can be worked out.
It has been said that nostalgia is an inauthentic form of grief. As long as one is caught up in a self-induced trance and delusion about an abusive situation, one can never get to the business of coming to understand that authentic teachers are not abusive, and, therefore, the presence of abuse is prima facie evidence that the person in question is not an authentic spiritual guide. Case closed.
Whatever the good points of a fraudulent person may, or may not, be, none of this mitigates the significance of the fact that abuse has been perpetrated. Since the reason for coming to such a person was spiritual guidance, the existence of abuse indicates that the purpose of one’s original intention cannot be satisfied through such an individual. Such a person cannot be trusted, on any level, to be of spiritual assistance.
Has one learned from such a person? Perhaps, but learning from others does not make the latter a spiritual guide –– for, an authentic spiritual guide is a very special category of human being, and, in fact, this understanding -- whether clearly formulated or only dimly felt -- plays a very central part in the experience of grief and the sense of deep loss one encounters as one begins to realize that the individual one thought was a legitimate teacher is not. One experiences the sense of being disconnected from authenticity, along with the many ramifications which such disconnection entails.
The various modalities of denial, the different forms of anger, the process of bargaining, the sense of despair, the deeply felt forces of anxiety, fear, and stress, the beating which self-esteem is taking, the gnawing possibility of having been betrayed and violated in an intimate manner, the long gaze into the abyss at one’s feet, the increasing number of questions, ambiguities, or uncertainties, the disruption of peace, harmony, balance, and relationships, the creeping sense of meaninglessness and purposelessness, the flickering, as well as the fast-disappearing, flickering nature of identity –– all of these give collective rise to a profound and pervasive sense of depression which can be quite enervating and debilitating.
All of the foregoing is one version of the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ which is spoken about in the mystical literature. When one has begun to accept the reality of having been spiritual abused, one feels lost, abandoned, alone, surrounded by darkness, beset by demons, steeped in ignorance, confused, alienated, stalked by evil, vulnerable to one’s own weaknesses and shortcomings, adrift with no sign of a safe harbor, tossed about by stormy seas, out of synch with the universe.
One has lost touch with the usual points of reference by which one navigates. One has become distant, as well as distanced, from one’s alleged spiritual guide, from one’s former friends of the path, from the methodology and practices which used to give one comfort and purpose, but whose efficacy is, now, somewhat suspect because the catalytic agent –– namely, the mystical teacher –– which, by the Grace of Allah, heretofore, served as the locus of manifestation through which what one thought was Divine barakah flowed into one’s life , has been uncovered as a counterfeit –– a dajjal ... an imposter.
Going through a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ is one thing when one is with an authentic spiritual guide. It is quite another thing when one is thrown into the maelstrom and one is trying to figure out, on one’s own, how to escape from the predicament one finds oneself in.
Most people who have some knowledge of tasawwuf are familiar with the saying of Hazrat ‘Ali that the individual who would step onto the mystical path without benefit of a guide, has Iblis for a teacher. Since the Prophet (peace be upon him) is reported to have said that: “I am the city of knowledge, and ‘Ali, is the gate,” one might suppose that Hazrat ‘Ali may have known a bit about the truth of what he said.
Individuals who have an interest in the Sufi tradition also are likely to be familiar with the Prophet’s words which indicate that the movements of nafs in relation to shirk are more difficult to detect than the movements of a black ant on a smooth rock in the dead of night. Or, one might consider such verses as: “Have you seen him who has taken his caprice to be his god, and Allah sends him astray purposely, and seals up his hearing and his heart, and sets on his sight a covering?” (45:23) Or, consider: “Truly, the soul commands unto evil.” (12:53)
The person who has been spiritual abused is between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, the individual who has come to accept the fact of the abuse knows that no authentic spiritual guide would ever treat one’s mureed in such a fashion, and, therefore, one no longer has a mystical teacher. On the other hand, without proper mystical guidance, one is in no position to proceed, and, furthermore, under the circumstances one is disinclined to trust whatever recommendations anyone else may make –– no matter how well intended –– because there is no guarantee that such an individual is not, himself or herself, misguided or in association with a false teacher.
At this point, some people recommend doing Ishtikharah. There is nothing wrong with this recommendation, but if Ishtikharah were all there was to it, God would have dispensed with Books of Revelation, Prophets, other friends of God, and shaykhs, a long time ago, and said, instead:“Hey, whenever in doubt, just do Ishtikharah. ... let’s get rid of all this other, unnecessary stuff” ... but Divinity didn’t do this.
Other people, when they interact, to some degree, with someone who has been spiritually abused, will say words to the effect that all one needs to do is love the Prophet Muhammad ( peace be upon him). After all, Divinity informed us: “Say Muhammad: If you love Allah, then follow me, so that God may love you.” (3:31)
There are a few potential obstacles, however, in the way of properly applying this counsel. First of all, the directive is conditional –– “if you love Allah” -- and an important part of authentic tasawwuf is being assisted to learn what loving Allah means and entails. Consequently, before one is ready to try to follow the Prophet (peace be upon him), one needs to understand something about the nature of loving God, and because one’s spiritual guide has turned out to be a counterfeit, one has considerable concern over whether one can determine, on one’s own, what loving God actually means.
Some may pooh-pooh this sort of consideration, but when one reads verses such as: “Shall we tell you who will be the greatest losers in their works? Those whose striving goes astray in the present life, while they think they are working good deeds,” (18:104), there is good reason for exercising a certain amount of caution and discretion here.
Only an arrogant fool would be so enamored with his or her own judgments about the nature of truth and reality that such an individual would not even consider the possibility that what they believe to be the working of good deeds may, in reality, be nothing but striving which is going astray in the present life. In fact, there are deep divisions within the Muslim world, both currently as well as in the past, over what constitutes the sort of “good deeds” which would help an individual to realize the purpose of life, or one’s essential identity, or one’s unique spiritual capacity so that one truly and completely knows what God meant when the following was revealed: “I have not created human beings nor jinn except that they may worship Me.” (51:56-57). Ritual prayers or observing the other pillars of Islam does not exhaust what is entailed by worship ... the truth of the matter lies deeper still or there would have been no need for more than one level of the Qur’an, rather than the seven to which the Prophet (peace be upon him) alluded. The nature of worship is a vast, deep, subtle topic.
The other problem facing a spiritually abused person in relation to the counsel to “follow me (i.e., Muhammad –– peace be upon him), so that God may love you” is that, once again, one of the fundamental functions of tassawuf which is done under the care of an authentic teacher is to help a seeker learn what it means to follow the Prophet (peace be upon him). And, less there are those who suppose that this is a silly point, perhaps, we would do well to remember that there are those who are counseling others to blow themselves up, to terrorize innocent people, and to abuse women all in the name of, supposedly, following the Prophet (peace be upon him).
Even if one wishes to ignore such ‘extreme’ examples, I have spent more than 30 years in the Muslim community, traveling across four continents, observing the tremendous inhumanity of Muslims to one another, not to mention to the so-called ‘infidel’ –– which often means anyone who doesn’t believe as they do. Unfortunately, in all too many cases, there seems to be a vast chasm between what the Prophet (peace be upon him) actually said and did, and the specious interpretations which many people are trying to project onto the teachings and actions of the Prophet (peace be upon him).
If loving Allah and loving the Prophet (peace be upon him) were such easy things to do, everyone would be doing it, but the world is like it is, because everyone is not doing this [and please don’t blame the imperialistic and exploitative sins of America or the West for the state of the world because Muslims have their share to this state of affairs through our own brand of sins –– “...and your Lord does not deal unjustly with anyone.” (Qur’an18:49) “so it was not beseeming for Allah that He should deal with them unjustly, but they dealt unjustly with their own souls.”
(Qur’an 30:9) “That is because you exulted in the land unjustly and because you behaved insolently. (Qur’an 40:75)] Therefore, perhaps, it is not so easy and straightforward as some people suppose to ‘follow’ and ‘love’ because the very meaning of loving and following are in dispute. Everyone has his or her own understanding of what is meant here, but having an understanding is not the same thing as being correct in that understanding, yet people keep presuming that the former is equivalent to the latter, and this is not necessarily so.
“(To) those whose hearts tremble when Allah is mentioned,” (Qur’an 22:35) trying to understand what is meant by loving and following Allah and the Prophet (peace be upon him) are tasks of considerable enormity and overriding importance. Such people are not likely to accept just anything for an answer ... there is a reason why such spiritual luminaries as Hazrat Omar (may Allah be pleased with him) –– the one about whom the Prophet (peace be upon him) said that if there were to be a Prophet after me, it would have been him –– would look at a leaf and wish to become a leaf due to the stress of bearing the responsibility invested in humankind with respect to the exercise of free will and returning the trust (Qur’an 33:72, 4:58) to its Owner.
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