The Experience of Spiritual Abuse
There may be some people who join this list out of curiosity, wondering what is meant by the idea of Sufi Spiritual Abuse or whether such an 'entity' even exists in anything other than a trivial sense, or whether there is anything of real importance from which one must recover. Moreover, some people may think that this problem -- if there is such a thing -- can be resolved simply through forgiveness of those whom one believes may have abused one, and/or by acquiring clarity concerning the nature of truth and moving in that direction, and/or confronting those whom one feels have acted inappropriately in a truthful and reasoned matter which, hopefully, will clear up any problems which may exist, but if this should not be the case, then, pushing forward, nonetheless, with an understanding that permits the individuals to agree to disagree in the problematic areas and, then, cooperate in other, non-problematic areas.
Now, while willingness to forgive others for transgressions is a good quality, those who have been spiritually abused need to go through a variety of stages before they are in a position to truly forgive someone who has injured them in an essential way. Forgiveness is more than words ... it is a state of being, and if forgiveness is to be anything more than a superficial offering, then, psychological, emotional, and spiritual ground must be cleared in order that the act of forgiveness may be properly rooted, and, therefore, lasting.
However, when the individual who is committing spiritual abuse is a teacher or claims to be one, then, the problem becomes more complicated, because even with the presence of forgiveness, the relationship between a seeker and the alleged teacher has been compromised in an irreparable manner. This is so for the following reasons.
The context of any healthy interaction between a seeker and a spiritual guide is built upon a foundation of trust -- trust which requires truth, integrity, nobility, honesty, compassion, empathy, love, courage, decency, and friendship in order to be properly nurtured. These are the seeds of nisbath which comprise the umbilical cord that links a seeker and a teacher (and via the teacher with the entire silsilah) and through which the spiritual transmissions take place that help, God willing, lead toward spiritual maturity.
One of the most destructive ramifications of spiritual abuse is the generation of a pervasive sense of betrayal within a spiritually abused individual. A person has invested one of the most precious qualities one individual has to offer to another -- namely, trust -- and that trust has been exploited, manipulated, used, undermined, twisted, and trampled upon.
The investing of trust points in two directions -- outward toward the one who is the recipient of such trust, and inward toward the individual who made a judgment about the appropriateness of making this sort of commitment. When trust has been abused, not only does an individual have difficulty trusting anyone else again, but such a person has great difficulty in trusting herself or himself as well to make judgments about when trust should, or should not, be invested in another human being at some point in the future.
In addition, a spiritually abused person loses confidence in one's ability to distinguish between truth and falsehood, reality and unreality, friends and non-friends, or reliable information and unreliable information -- and, this is actually a variation on, or added dimension of, the lost of trust which takes place during a process of spiritual abuse. In fact, one of the characteristic features of this sort of condition, is that the individual tends to vacillate between seeing, fairly clearly, that one has been abused, and, then, going into a state of not being sure if one is quite right about what has been going on ... between being angry about the callous, mean, hurtful, manner in which one has been treated, and feeling that, perhaps, the only problem is with one's reaction to the situation or one's interpretation of events and, consequently, that the only one who is out of kilter here is oneself.
The uncertainty which permeates the foregoing circumstances is complicated because other people in the group within which spiritual abuse is occurring are often very quick to try to persuade a person that what he or she perceives to be abuse can really be explained away and accounted for in a manner which is totally reconcilable with basic principles of the spiritual path. However, many of these would-be advisers have, themselves, various sorts of vested interests to protect and, therefore, may be in denial about what is going on, or such individuals may, perhaps, be genuinely unaware of what has been transpiring but, nevertheless, are unwilling to contemplate the possibility of any wrongdoing on the part of their 'beloved' teacher because they do not wish to have to work through the implications of such things in relation to their own lives. In addition, there are some of these would-be advisors who know perfectly well what is going on but, for entirely self-serving reasons, have permitted their integrity to be corrupted, at some point in the past, and actually conspire with the teacher, both directly and indirectly, to perpetuate abusive circumstances and/or circumstances which are conducive to manipulation, exploitation, and deceit.
In any event, there is a dimension to our beings which tends to be tied to our relationships with other people in fairly complex structures. In many different ways we rely on others to help us to try to locate truth and reality, and we also rely on others to help us struggle against a sense of anomie or alienation which often knocks against the horizons of our consciousness and threatens to carry us away to an abyss of dissociation, depersonalization, and de-realization. We are beings who seek out and often need companionship and friendship. This need for social contact is sometimes a help, and it is sometimes a problem -- especially when it interferes with, or undermines, our attempts to seek or recognize the truth of things and, as a result, we let the social need over-rule: what experience is showing us, and what our senses are recording, and what our intuitions are telling us, and what our reason is pointing out to us, and what the Sufi Path requires from us.
When we feel betrayed we often look to friends and companions to help us sort things out. When the 'friends' and companions to whom we turn for assistance are part of the problem, one begins to feel alone, confused, paranoid, uncertain, and stressed-out in a hurry.
On the one hand, one longs for the comfort and familiarity of relationships which offer security and help orient us in the world. On the other hand, one has begun to realize that one may be on one's own -- not only betrayed by a teacher but betrayed by so-called friends who have suddenly become indifferent to the suffering of another human being if helping such an individual means that they will have to look into the abyss of betrayal and alienation as well.
Many of the, previously assumed, 'friends' will become angry at any mention of spiritual abuse going on, and many of them either will not want to even consider the evidence, or they will want to shoot the messenger, or they will want to trivialize the whole issue, telling the person to be more tolerant, flexible, or forgiving, as well as expressing impatience and annoyance that such topics are even being discussed. When one comes to realize that people who one thought were one's friends are not, the sense of betrayal deepens.
One starts to understand that the assumptions on which many parts of one's hermeneutic or interpretation of experience have rested, are not shared by others. One finds oneself hanging in the wind of events, not knowing how to come in from the cold, and not knowing where to call `home'.
The poisons of spiritual abuse run very deep. They are quite pervasive and persistent. The poisons are very virulent and not all that easy to cleanse from one's system.
These poisons attack many vital dimensions of a human being. These include: identity, purpose, meaning, understanding, judgment, trust, sense of community, and having a methodology which permits one to sort out the wheat from the chaff and, thereby, provides a compass by which to navigate through life.
A spiritually abused person has been incapacitated in a number of fundamental ways, and picking up the pieces is a difficult process -- a process which some people never complete, and which some others never even begin, becoming empty shells of humanity ... never able to overcome the devastating effects of the poisons which have been fed into their systems. The experience of spiritual abuse brings almost every aspect of life into serious question, and, as such, constitutes one of the most profound crises a human being can encounter.
An individual who is going through this crisis has become completely disoriented with respect to life, self, meaning, direction, value, and truth. Everything has, pretty much, been turned upside down. Nothing seems to make much sense, and one's constant companions are stress, anxiety, uncertainty, fear, alienation, and struggling just to keep one's head above existential waters -- emotionally, psychologically, physically, socially, and spiritually.
Many of the practices one may have been given or following with respect to an abusive teacher or group, seem to lose purpose. One calls into question the teachings and interpretations which have, heretofore, formed the world-view out of which one has been operating. One is assailed by a army of doubts and uncertainties about an array of values and principles of spirituality.
One wonders about the meaning of all that has gone on in terms of one's relationship with God. Is it a curse ... a punishment ... a chastisement ... a prelude to something better ... an inescapable part of one's fate ... a necessary learning experience ... an opportunity to practice patience, forgiveness, tolerance, repentance, nobility, compassion, kindness, and all of the other qualities of character which were difficult enough to try to struggle with when one thought that things were going well?
One wonders if God is trying to tell one that the Sufi path is a chimera, or a false way, or that one just had the misfortune to get hooked up with people who were false to the teachings of the Sufi way. Could one, or should one, ever be willing to trust someone else again with the responsibilities of being a spiritual guide?
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) has said that there are 71 different sects among the Jewish people, and only one of them is correct, and there are 72 different sects among the Christian people, and only one of them is correct, and there are 73 different sects among the Muslim people, and only one of them is correct. So, where is one to go, and who is one to believe, and how is one to proceed?
The Prophet also indicated that the Qur'an has outer and inner meaning, and that the inner meaning also has a hidden level of meaning, and so on until seven levels of understanding. Even on the surface of things, there are vast differences of understanding from one Muslim to the next.
Does this mean there is no such thing as truth? No, it doesn't; very clearly, in both of the previous Hadiths, the Prophet is indicating that there is a way of truth, but, at the same time, finding one's way to that truth is not as clear-cut and straightforward as many people try to suggest ... which is one of the reasons why a person usually goes in search of someone to guide one through the pitfalls, swamps, quagmires, mazes, deserts, and brigands that populate the search for truth.
Getting clarity is difficult at the best of times. This challenge becomes an even bigger problem for someone who has been betrayed by a spiritually abusive teacher and/or group and is merely trying to find enough semblance of sanity, balance, and energy to go from one hour to the next without becoming completely lost in the hinterlands of complete dissociation, depersonalization, de- realization, and depression.
This is why one of the most important first steps for a spiritually abused individual is to be able to make contact with other individuals who are going through an existential quandary very similar to one's own. Not only does this contact afford an opportunity to debrief one another by means of an exchange of information about a wide variety of issues, but such contact offers a chance to bring some very needed emotional, social, and psychological stability into one's life.
Just as Shari'ah helps establish a context of security within which the members of a community can, insha' Allah, pursue Islam in peace, so too, making contact with other people who have experienced the vicissitudes of spiritual abuse helps establish a context of potential security through which the members of that group have an opportunity to regain some very important perspective, balance, motivation, and understanding through which to begin to try to reassemble the necessary first remnants of self-trust through which to begin to try to engage life and figure out, God willing, what one might try to continue on with one's search for truth, purpose, meaning, essential identity, and Self-realization.
| Return to Spiritual Abuse Menu |
|
