Doubts
One member of the Sufi Spiritual Abuse Recovery Group was very confused about how to proceed. On the one hand, this individual felt spiritually abused and betrayed by another person, but, on the other hand, the former individual was beset by a lot of doubts and ‘what ifs’ concerning whether leaving the problematic people or staying with them was the best thing to do.
There are a variety of themes which tend to be characteristic with respect to many instances of spiritual abuse. Some of these concern the abuser, and some of these revolve about the person being abused.
In the latter case -- that is, the issues and problems involving the individual who is, or has been abused -- there are a number of complicating factors, and one of these is that people who are engaged in spiritual abuse are very clever, adept students of the dangerous game they are playing. They have studied their prey, and, therefore, they are familiar with all the attempts of an intended target to try to break free or withdraw from the process of stalking which is going on.
A person who is vulnerable emotionally, socially, psychologically, and spiritually is someone who has been wounded, in one way or another, by the events of life -- it is these wounds which render them vulnerable. These are wounds which, for the most part, may not be a focal part of on-going consciousness, but such wounds are all along the horizons of consciousness and affect how one feels about oneself, life, other people, the present, the future, and the past.
There may be many things which have contributed to the formation of such wounds -- the dynamics of family life; one's perception of oneself as a reflection of how others treat one; traumatic events of one kind or another at different junctures in life -- which could range from physical abuse, to sexual abuse, to emotional abuse; problematic relationships which have left their mark; the sort of educational program one went through and what it taught -- and didn't teach -- about, among other things, issues of identity, meaning, purpose, and community.
Many people feel alienated from others, themselves, life and even God. They long for acceptance, love, affection, to be recognized as someone who matters and not just as a biological object taking up space and waiting for death. They long for a real sense of identity, belonging, meaning, purpose and community. They long to be able to associate with people who are like-minded and like-hearted -- people with whom they can feel at home in the vastness of the universe.
Many of us pay lip service to the idea that God is present and sees all that we do and cares about us and loves us. However, most of us seem to be from Missouri (the show-me state) because we want to be shown the reality of this Presence -- we don't want to just 'think' this is the case, we want to FEEL that this is the case, and we want to KNOW this is the case.
The perpetrators of spiritual abuse understand all of this. Whether they know this is the sense of sociopaths who are aware that people have emotions and what the nature of those emotions are like and exploit this knowledge even as they have no emotional attachment to the people they abuse, and, therefore, are prepared to do the most brutal and callous things to such people, or whether the perpetrators of spiritual abuse have, themselves, been abused and develop into abusers of others -- as, unfortunately and, quite surprisingly, happens a great deal -- and, therefore, are intimately familiar with the character of the wounds which fester within a vulnerable, wounded individual, and use this 'insider' understanding to track and stalk their would-be prey, doesn't make a great deal of difference. The bottom line is that, in one way or another, they know the phenomenology of vulnerable, wounded people, and they utilize that understanding to run down, capture, and control their targets of opportunity.
When a person who is being spiritually abused begins to become aware that 'there is something not quite right about this camel ride' (Hafiz) in relation to an alleged spiritual teacher or group, they enter into a 'twilight zone' where it becomes very difficult to sort out fact and fiction, truth and falsehood. There are several reasons for this difficulty.
As much as we may all like to think we are totally independent agents in life, the truth of the matter is that our understanding of, and relation to, life often depends on the process of 'consensual validation' -- that is, we often look to others to help us distinguish between what is real from what is not real. Socially, linguistically, emotionally, and psychologically, what other people think about the nature of reality matters to us, and when there is conflict or stress associated with the problem of drawing up a map of life, most of us feel very uncomfortable,and we want to resolve whatever differences exist ... for, as long as those differences persist, especially in relation to people we care about, we do not feel existentially settled, or secure, or at home ... we tend to feel alienated, and through this sense of alienation or anomie -- a basic sense of disconnectedness -- we begin to peer into the dark abyss of dissociation, depersonalization, de-realization ... the dreaded Ds which constitute a threat worse than death which is why many people consider suicide to be a more viable solution than having to work through the nightmare of dissociation when nothing seems real, when one's sense of being as a person is called into question, and when one loses sight of any sense of essential meaning, purpose, or identity. People are fundamentally terrified of this abyss of dissociation, and, often times, will do almost anything to escape from the clutches of its diabolical currents which reach out toward us and seek to draw us deeper and deeper into the interior of this horrible maelstrom of being.
The perpetrators of spiritual abuse know all of this. This is why their poison is so insidious because they seem to offer a solution to one of life's great problems -- namely, how to stay far away from the realm of dissociation with its concomitant loss of meaning, identity, purpose, and direction in life. This poison becomes even more dangerous when an abused individual looks to the abusers as one's source of consensual validation about where reality leaves off and falsehood begins -- in such cases, truly, the foxes have become the guardians of the hen house ... much to the detriment of the hens.
People who are wounded or vulnerable have been living in the vicinity of the realm of dissociation for quite some time. Its currents are constantly intruding into the phenomenology of consciousness -- tugging at one, pulling at one in the direction of the abyss.
When a spiritually abusive teacher or group comes along, they coat their poison with a layer of sweetness. For instance, through techniques such as 'love bombing' they do and say all manner of things which are intended to appeal to the vulnerabilities of an individual -- they offer acceptance, love, friendship, a sense of belonging, community, family, warmth, encouragement, support, hope, meaning, purpose, identity, and a methodology for dealing with life.
Yet, one needs to understand something about spiritually abusive people. They are like vampires -- they cultivate an interest in an individual not as a person with a soul, but as a potential source of 'feeding' which is intended to destroy the soul of the person from whom the essence of life is sucked. Like vampires, perpetrators of spiritual abuse give nothing back in return except the promise of immortality which actually is a living hell because someone in that condition is driven by a need to continually feed off of others.
Spiritually abusive people have nothing of real substance to offer. More specifically, they have nothing to offer which is capable of assisting an individual to undergo the necessary transformations of nafs, mind, heart, sirr, spirit, kafi, and aqfah (our interior spiritual faculties) which leads to the purification, calibration and realization of such faculties.
Ultimately, all spiritual transformation comes via the Grace of God, but just as Divinity makes the Presence of Names and Attributes felt through the character of natural laws in the physical world (for example, gravitation, magnetism, electricity, quantum interactions, and so on), so too, Divinity makes Its Presence felt through the character of 'natural' laws in the spiritual realm -- and every realm has laws and principles which are associated with that realm ... whether one is discussing Nasut (the corporeal/causal realm), alam al-mithal (the realm of symbols and similitudes), Malakut (the realm of the souls of things), Jabrut (the realm of rulership), Lahut (the realm of Sifat or Divine Attributes), Hahut (the realm of necessary and possible existence), or Bahut (the realm of the Hidden Treasure) -- in each instance, the Divine Presence makes Itself known in ways which are appropriate to, or characteristic of that realm.
One of the laws or principles of spirituality is that the path from self to Self requires a spiritual lineage or silsilah which, in the case of the Sufi Path (and in other spiritual traditions the lineage would extend back to a particular Prophet), extends back to the household of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). One of the reasons for the importance of such a lineage is that it transmits a barakah, through the Grace of Allah, which assists an individual to be salik (that is to journey in a spiritual sense). In the absence of such a spiritual lineage of barakah and if Allah does not provide some other alternative means of transmitting this barakah (and, from time to time, the mysterious patron saint Khizr -- peace be upon him -- serves this function), then, not only does the spiritual journey become extremely difficult, if not impossible, it also becomes extremely dangerous for there are all manner of ways to become lost in the search for Self.
Spiritually abusive 'teachers' (so-called) and groups can say and promise anything they like, and that is what such proclamations will remain -- statements and promises. There is no transforming barakah being transmitted through such a group or teacher which can help support, protect, enhance, guide, and develop (God willing) the process of spiritual transformation in an individual. The necessary 'Philosopher's Stone' or alchemical elixir, if you like, is missing.
When a person begins to suspect that something 'wrong' is going on with an alleged teacher or spiritual group, part of what is being sensed is that this teacher or group does not have the requisite link with an authentic spiritual tradition, because if they did, then, such problematic things would not be happening. If one comes across events or evidence which indicates that the so-called spiritual teacher or group is engaged in lying, deceit, manipulation, hypocrisy, inappropriate sexual behavior, coerced (emotionally, physically, socially or psychologically) compliance, mind control, and so on, then, all of these are indicators or signs that there is, indeed, 'something not quite right about this camel ride', and what is not right is that the problematic behavior indicates the absence of the aforementioned barakah which is present in all legitimate spiritual lineages and through which guidance is, by the Grace of Allah, protected in its original purity and truth.
It is an oxymoron to say that a teacher is authentic but he or she does not live in accordance with the principles of adab which forms the backbone of the mystical tradition. Whether a given alleged teacher ever was authentic and lost her or his way, or whether a so-called teacher was never authentic, is an important further issue to consider, but it must be considered quite independently of the fact that what is currently going on undermines, corrupts, and destroys the spiritual atmosphere which establishes the requisite 'sacred, consecrated or blessed space' within which the process of making the journey from self to Self must take place. Just as Shari'ah is intended to create a safe haven within which the exoteric aspects of Islam may be pursued in peace and harmony, so too, an authentic silsilah is intended to establish the necessary space within which the interior journey from self to Self takes place -- a journey which needs the presence of barakah in order to be efficacious.
When one is dealing with a poison, there are all kinds of questions and doubts one might have. Is it the poison's fault for being a poison? Don't I have a responsibility to try to rehabilitate the poison? Shouldn't I try to befriend the poison and lend it an empathetic and compassionate ear? Maybe, what I think is poisonous is not really, at heart, poisonous, and the problem is really my perception of things. Maybe the poison is not so dangerous, and aside from a few feelings of discomfort, maybe no real damage has been done, and, therefore, it is ok to continue to associate with the poison. Maybe, I don't understand things properly or see them as clearly as I should? Maybe, there is more to this than meets the eye.
All of the foregoing doubts, questions, and what ifs, along with a thousand similar ones, flood one's consciousness after one has begun to suspect or even come to know that 'there is something not quite right about this camel ride' in relation to a particular so-called teacher, group or individual. All of these questions and doubts are generated through the agencies of unredeemed nafs, Iblis, our entanglements with the nafs of other people (also known as dunya), and the whisperings of people who, like Iblis, do believe in the existence of God but 'choose' to rebel against the character of that Reality in various ways (that is, unbelievers).
People who are spiritually abusive are quite well aware of the forces which are brought into play when an individual feels they have found an antidote (i.e., guide) to the threat of the condition of dissociation which haunts us all, as well as a cure for all of one's vulnerabilities and wounds which have arisen through the vicissitudes of life. They know that the tendency of many people -- even when they have encountered clear evidence of lying, deception, manipulation, hypocrisy, and so on -- is to not want to leave the 'oasis' in the desert of life which one believes one has found. One gives oneself all kinds of excuses for hanging around such an oasis because one just doesn't want to believe that the oasis is just one more mirage in the desert of life through which one has been struggling.
Spiritually abusive people will take every opportunity to undermine one's confidence and sense of self-trust about one's understanding concerning the nature of what is actually going on. If it serves their purpose they will join chat rooms and group lists in order to plant seeds of doubt through which an individual can be induced to waver back across the boundary and, once again, become influenced by the proclamations, words, teachings, promises, preaching, and so on of the spiritually abusive individuals.
Someone has said that 'nostalgia is an inauthentic form of grief', and people who are trying to extricate themselves from spiritually abusive groups need to understand that many of their memories concerning an alleged teacher or spiritual group is embedded in such nostalgia and since the leaving process has all the qualities and characteristics of grieving over loss -- the loss of identity, meaning, acceptance, hope, innocence, friendship, association, direction, community, and so on, that nostalgia does not really address the grieving process but tries to hang on to something which is not real. This is why even people who see the wisdom of needing to extricate themselves from an abusive relationship, have difficulty doing so, because doing so doesn't seem like something positive but something negative in which one is losing things or people or relationships with which one has invested value and trust.
Yet, truth is the one thing with which we cannot do without. And, when we are willing to sacrifice the truth for the sake of nostalgia, illusions, and delusions, then, the full effect of the poisoning process becomes manifest.
A person may ask himself or herself -- after all is said and done, what harm has a spiritually abusive person really done to me. The harm which has been done is to separate one from the truth and to induce a person to want to continue on with falsehood and delusions rather than the truth -- spiritually speaking, no greater damage can be done to a human soul than this -- because Truth is the only vehicle which can transport one from the self to the Self ... when one loses this, one, truly, has lost pretty much everything.
As far as the intentions of another human being are concerned, one only has the evidence of behavior and one's understanding and intuitions about such behavior. We can continue to 'assume' that another individual has never intended to hurt us, but if the behavior of that individual belies the validity of our on-going assumption, then, we have the choice of either turning a blind-eye to the evidence which God is placing before our being and allowing our taste or dhawk for truth to become corrupted in the process, or we can opt for staying under the protective umbrella of the Truth and disengaging from a poisonous situation.
We are not really in a position to help anyone else disengage from the effects of such poisoning, until we, ourselves, have cleansed our systems of such toxic experiences. People who have been exposed to the truth of a situation and waver back and forth are people who are exhibiting signs that the effects of the spiritual poisoning have not, yet, been cleared from their systems.
Consequently, to want to continue to associate with the source of poisoning in order to help others who have been poisoned becomes a very risky process ... since rather than helping to extricate others from the mess, one may simply be seduced back into the toxic environment, and one may never again be able to muster up the requisite courage and strength to, God willing, which permitted one to leave in the first place. This is a very dangerous game.
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