Dancing With The Moon
The couple had been arguing for months. Quite skillfully, the
pair’s spiritual guide had been skirting around the issue for quite
some time, keeping her distance as best she could.
Her primary task was to help the two, as individuals, to enhance
the quality of their spiritual lives. However, since matters of the
world often spill over into, and create problems for, mystical
pursuits, she couldn’t ignore what was going on between the two. The
challenge was sort of like a high wire balancing act.
On the one hand, she had to avoid falling into the trap of
allowing herself to be dragged into the matter, and, as a result, be
perceived, among other things, as taking sides, thereby risking
having one of the two distance himself or herself from the spiritual
path. On the other hand, if something wasn’t done soon, both of them
might allow the negative emotions which were running at high tide
in their relationship to completely inundate their spiritual activities
altogether.
However, when the local version of the ‘War of the Roses’
seemed destined to enter extra innings and, in addition, began to suck
other people of the spiritual circle into the dangerous, outer currents
of the marital maelstrom, she decided things had reached a fail safe
point and that something needed to be done to address the issue ... for
the good of all. Although the spiritual guide had talked with each of
the parties on an individual basis, dropping subtle hints, here and
there, about how to treat one’s spouse as a partner in life, rather than
as an adversary, these sessions appeared to have fallen on deaf
hearts, and, so, a much more direct, joint meeting was indicated.
The couple had agreed to come to their teacher’s home in the
evening. As a joke, and, hopefully, as a way of lightening the
atmosphere somewhat, she briefly entertained the idea of receiving
the two in full Samurai battle gear, but discarded the idea because
the two were far too caught up in unpleasantness to be able to laugh
at themselves.
She knew that, deep down, both of them loved one another. Yet,
unfortunately, and as occurs all too frequently, their love for one
another had been misplaced or lost or buried somewhere along the
way, and, consequently, they had forgotten how, why, or where they
had become separated from the river of love which once flowed so
freely and abundantly between the two of them.
After the two showed up at her door, like strangers who
happened to stumble onto her porch as a result of an improbable set
of coincidences, and she had greeted them, taken them into her study,
seated them, and provided some refreshments, she sat down as well.
She dispensed with any preliminary chitchat, and, instead, walked
straight into the arena and said to herself: “For those who are about
die, we salute you.”
She began: “There were two seekers of the truth who once made
a journey together. Unavoidably, the route which they planned to
take took them straight through the heart of countryside inhabited
by people who were their sworn enemies – that is, enemies of anyone
who was interested in seeking truth in a way other than what people
of that country accepted as being ‘the’ proper path to truth.
“For most of their journey, the companions – through a
combination of intelligence, vigilance, and luck – had managed to
stay out of difficulty. But, one day, events conspired to intersect their
path with that of one of their avowed antagonists.
“Essentially, what happened is the following. The pair came to
a small river where they found a man lying on the bank nearest to
them.
“The path of their journey was such that the two hoped to ford
the river at this point since it was the shallowest portion of the river
for quite some distance in either direction. The man on the ground
had injured his leg and needed to get to the other side where he had
a horse and cart tied up.
“Even though the water was relatively shallow at this juncture
of the river, nonetheless, it still was too deep to negotiate for a man
with an injured leg – especially, given that there were some strong
currents which came into play near the far bank. The man needed
help, but the two could tell, by the color of the hat the man wore, that
he was also one of those who had tremendous enmity for adherents
to what such people considered to be apocryphal teachings.
“One of the two traveling companions offered to carry the man
on his back. The injured man accepted the offer with gratitude, not
realizing that the two strangers were precisely the sort of people with
whom he would not be caught dead under other circumstances.
“A short while later, all three individuals were safely on the other
bank of the river. The one who had carried the injured man across
the river also helped him get onto his cart, and, then, the two
travelers bid the man farewell and continued on with their journey.
“The pair walked in silence for some time. Eventually, they
stopped in order to eat something.
“The two had been friends for a long time. They knew one
another’s quirks, moods, and manner of engaging life.
“One friend knew that something was bothering his buddy so he
said: ‘What’s up? I know something is upsetting you. Why not tell
me what’s on your mind?’
“His companion was a forthright individual, so he replied: ‘I
don’t think you should have helped that injured man this afternoon.
The guy hates people like us, and if he had come to know anything
about what we believe, once he got to the other side he probably
would have called his neighbors to murder us and believed that both
the killing and the help he was given was as God wished.’
“His friend shook his head in sadness and remarked: “You
know, I took that guy off my back hours ago, but you still are
carrying him around with you. Why don’t you put him down? Our
journey is taxing enough as it is without the extra baggage.”
Upon completing her story, the spiritual guide was quiet, giving
the couple sitting in her study an opportunity to reflect upon the
tale’s potential significance for their own situation. A few minutes
passed like this.
The man shifted in his chair, coughed once, and said: “That was
a very good story. I liked it a lot.” Then, casting a sideways glance at
his wife, he added: “I wish certain people would appreciate its
teaching as much as I have.”
His wife’s lips curled into a tight smirk and she shook her head,
as if to say – ‘there you go again, always at me, always criticizing.’
The man’s wife said: “Well, notwithstanding the opinion of some
people, I also loved your story. But, you know what really boils my
brass,” and she started to say something, hesitated, looked at her
teacher in embarrassment, and closed her mouth so that one could
see the muscles in her jaw tighten.
The wife was silent for a moment longer before saying: “I really
wish I could take a long holiday somewhere ... you know ... just get
away from all the pressure, stress, and conflict. In fact, I’ve been
thinking about, maybe, going to that spiritual retreat out in the
countryside which is affiliated with our spiritual center.
“Maybe, I could do this for an extended period of time. I think
it would do me a lot of good,” she asserted.
Upon hearing the woman’s thoughts, the spiritual guide said: “I
once knew a fellow who was a very dedicated member of some
spiritual group or other. In fact, if memory serves me here, he was so
committed that he sacrificed job, career, family, and quite a few
other things in order to go and live at a monastery, ash-ram, or the
like – I forget, now, exactly where it was that he went, but it was
remote and cut off from the rest of the world.
“This guy loved the place. He adored its quiet, its remoteness, its
simple life, its code of letting everyone do his or her own thing.
“He spent all his days and nights at the spiritual center just
reading sacred scriptures, chanting, fasting, doing vigils, helping out
in the kitchen, discussing spiritual issues with the other residents,
working in the garden, and taking long, peaceful walks through the
forests and around the lake which was on the property. The entire set
of experiences was exhilarating, joyous, ecstatic, life-affirming.
“Indeed, the whole arrangement was so wonderful the man
stayed at the retreat for fifteen years. Eventually, he felt sufficiently
energized and in-tune with his own being that he decided to re-enter
the world beyond the horizons of the spiritual center where he had
been living.
“Consequently, he got an apartment and a job in a nearby city.
Surprisingly, before long, he was miserable and his life was filled
with difficulties that quickly were overwhelming and consuming him.
“The problem was simple. None of what he had learned at the
spiritual center was being transferred to his new circumstances – not
because there weren’t valuable teachings being transmitted through
the spiritual center, but because he hadn’t learned how to make those
teachings work outside of the very restricted, protected, remote,
simplified way of life which was being lived at the spiritual center.
“He had allowed himself to be deluded into supposing that
because he had a strong faith when he was not called upon to test
such faith while spending time at the spiritual center, he also believed
his faith would remain intact when he moved to a world that would
challenge his principles, values, and commitments at every turn, and
he was wrong.
“Fasting, chanting, vigils, seclusion, discussion, and reading are
all important activities. But, they are a preparation for living, not a
substitute, and one tends to run into problems when one assumes that
if one can do such feats of austerity, that, therefore, being able to
successfully engage the world will follow automatically .
“It’s similar to the difference between military training and
actual battle. One might be great in boot camp and, yet, fall apart
during combat, because although the two are related, they are not the
same.
“Or, to take another example, there are people who do very, very
well in the context of schools but cannot, or will not, make the
adjustment to non-school environments. Knowing how to play the
school game is not necessarily the same thing as knowing how to play
the game of life.
“Running from life is not the answer to anything. One needs to
learn how to run to life and embrace life for the set of opportunities
it is.”
The husband’s eyes had been aglow all through the teacher’s
story and follow-up commentary. He was eager to say something, and
when he was sure his teacher had finished, he blurted out: “I’ve been
trying to tell my wife exactly that for so many years. Of course, I
didn’t say it anywhere near as beautifully or succinctly as you did,
but the gist of my ideas were pretty much the same.”
A grimace appeared on his face. “I just get so annoyed with her
when she goes into these hide and seek games she plays, as if running
away is the answer to everything.”
The spiritual guide lowered her gaze to the floor and replied:
“There was a woman I used to know many years ago who had a
daughter. During the summer, every evening around twilight time,
the two of them would sit out on the veranda, while talking and
listening to the birds sing their bedtime songs.
“The daughter was in her late teens or early twenties. She used
to stay with her mother when home on summer vacation from the
university.
“One evening, the mother asked her daughter what the name of
a certain bird was that was perched on a long limb of a nearby tree.
The mother described exactly where she was looking so her daughter
would be able to identify what her mother was referring to.
“The daughter told her mother the name of the bird, and her
mother thanked her, and the two were silent for awhile. A short while
later, the same thing happened again.
“The daughter was a little puzzled about this and thoughts of
Alzheimer’s passed through her consciousness, but, once more, the
daughter answered her mother’s query, but a slight, subtle strand of
annoyance had crept into the daughter’s voice. As before, her mother
thanked her daughter for the information.
“A few moments later, her mother asked the precise same
question, and her daughter said in an exasperated tone of voice: “For
goodness sake, Mom, will you ask some other question, I’ve already
answered your question twice within a very short period of time.
What is it with you on this bird thing?”
“Her mother smiled at her daughter’s remarks -- the way
mothers’ do when they see the faults of their children but love them
anyway. She said: “I guess you don’t remember when you were very
young – maybe 3 or 4 – you used to ask me that same question five
times a day for weeks on end, and every time you would ask me, I
would give you the information you sought, and I enjoyed doing it.
The mother paused, briefly, before adding: “Whatever else they
teach you at university, patience doesn’t appear to be in the
curriculum.”
Upon the conclusion of their teacher’s story, the man’s wife
laughed, commenting: “How completely appropriate.”
She looked over at her husband and said: When one person
wants something, they want everybody to be patient, but when the
shoe is on the other foot, well ...,”and her voice drifted off.
The teacher said: “Actually, the story was for both of you, as are
all the stories which I have been relating to you. I’m not directing
these stories at one or the other of you, but to both of you.”
She studied the couple for a moment. “Do you two dance
together at all?”
The couple shook their heads in unison -- one of the first things
they had agreed upon all evening ... and for quite a few months. The
husband said: “We used to dance when we were dating, a long time
ago, but we haven’t done so in years. Why, are you suggesting the
solution to our problems is that we go out dancing more?”
“Not exactly,” the teacher said. “And, yet, the whole idea of
dancing has a lot of relevance to what I see going on between the two
of you.”
The spiritual guide paused and, then, remarked: “Maybe, by
way of introduction and in the hopes that I am not inciting any
impatience in either of you, I could relate another story.”
She looked at the two of them. They both gave signs of interest.
“There used to be saint who lived in a certain vicinity outside of
a town. Although the townspeople knew of his existence and held him
in great esteem, nevertheless, for the most part, they used to leave
him alone.
“However, a drought had been gripping the entire region and the
townspeople were becoming desperate because if they didn’t get rain
soon, the crops would die and, therefore, so would many people in the
community during the coming winter. A delegation from the town
approached the saint and asked if he would intervene with Divinity
on their behalf.
“The saint thought about the request, took a wet handkerchief
from the wash he had been doing and instructed the delegation to
take the piece of cloth and put it on a rock outside where it could dry.
The saint’s directive was followed, and no sooner had this been done,
then a heavy rain began to fall.
“The people in the delegation were extremely happy, expressed
their gratitude to the saint, and thanked God for the desperately
needed rain. Soon, they went back to their homes.
“About a week later, another delegation came to the saint’s
home. This time, their problem was the exact opposite from what
previously had been the case.
“In fact, ever since they had asked for the saint’s assistance with
the drought, there had been non-stop rain. Now, their crops were in
danger of being ruined because of an excess of water and an absence
of sunlight.
“Hearing their plight, the saint took off a bandana which was
hung around his neck and said: ‘Please take this outside while it is
still raining so it can be washed. It is quite soiled in places.’
“The delegation did as requested and, immediately, as soon as
they went outside, the rain stopped. They were all very happy with
the change in weather, but they were also somewhat puzzled.
“Returning to where the saint had been sitting, one of the
delegation members asked: ‘Sir, when you asked for something of
yours to be dried, it rained, and when you wanted something of yours
washed, it became dry. We don’t understand.’
“The saint raised his eyebrows and gave a shrug which seemed
to say –‘Well what can one do’ – and he commented: “My
relationship with God these days is such that whatever I want, the
opposite is done.”
No sooner had the spiritual guide finished the story about the
saint, she continued on: “One mistake which you both are making
with respect to your relationship is that you don’t seem to realize
what the name of the dance is that you are supposed to be doing, and
you are upset because you both are trying to do one kind of dance,
and Divinity is engaging you in another kind of Dance which neither
of you are interested in doing -- at least, not at the present time.
“The saint in the story had learned the secret of not arguing with
the Beloved because although his relationship was such that whatever
he wanted, Divinity did the opposite, the saint was wise enough to
change his approach to things and, thereby, operate in accordance
with how Divinity wished things to go, rather than how he wished
them to be. When he wanted something washed, or something dried,
he sincerely wanted the washing or drying to occur, but he also knew
what the result would be, and he accepted that ... completely, without
resentment or feeling hurt.
“You each are doing a variation of the ‘I’ve been done dirt’ two-
step, but that’s not the dance you should be doing ... not at all.
Apparently, God has arranged things in a way that is the opposite of
what each of you want, but you haven’t developed the wisdom, yet,
to make adjustments to accept God’s way of doing things rather than
your own.
“You both are being resistant to God’s will. However, you each
assume the source of the conflict is a function of your respective
disagreements with one another, when, in truth, the source of conflict
is the way you both insist on arguing with the Beloved – in other
words, Divinity.
“You don’t seem to realize you are engaged in a much more
important dance than the ‘you done me dirt’ two-step because your
real partner is Divinity and your spouse is just one of the ways
through which God relates to you, and you to Divinity, during the
course of the Big Dance -- which contrary to the opinion of many
does not refer, primarily, to playing professional sports or vying for
athletic championships. You show your regard, or lack thereof, for
God by the way you treat your spouse, since it is God Who, for
Divine reasons, puts you together as dance partners in the first place.
“Someone once said that ‘marriage is half the faith’. Since faith
only develops through being tested, challenged, and placed in the
forge of life, then marriage is an excellent way to strengthen and
improve the quality of one’s faith because marriage is filled with
struggles - both small and large.
“Among other things, marriage requires: patience, tolerance,
empathy, forgiveness, repentance, sincerity, trust, kindness,
compassion, love, persistence, courage, sacrifice, selflessness, nobility,
magnanimity, and so many other things. Moreover, marriage needs
these qualities not from just one of the partners, but from both of
them.
“There are two ways of ‘dancing in the dark’. One is warm,
intimate, glorious, loving – when two move as one, in synch with the
music’s rhythms and moods. The other manner of dancing in the
dark is when the couple bumps into things, steps on one another’s
toes – figuratively and literally, and are so preoccupied with the pain
of the experience, they lose their feel for the music to which they
should be dancing.
“You two have been doing the latter kind of dancing in the dark.
There is a mismatch of: expectations, hopes, desires, needs, and
interests. As a result, you are tripping all over one another.
“You each insist on leading and get annoyed with the other
person for not following. You each hang on to your silly ideas about
who is right and who is wrong.
“In a song entitled: ‘For What’s Its Worth’ by the Buffalo
Springfield, there is a line which states: “Nobody’s right, if
everybody’s wrong,” and you both are wrong in what you are doing.
“One of the worst things we can do when in a relationship is to
hold onto our ideas of rightness, because when we feel we are right,
we have no place left to move, and, furthermore, our sense of
rightness fuels our sense of being justified in holding onto our anger,
mistrust, impatience, unkindness, selfishness, and so on, ad nauseam.
When we believe we are right and justified, we tend to make moral
judgements about the other person, and in making such judgements
we become even more convinced that our hurt, sense of betrayal, and
resentments are all justified.
“But even if one were 100% correct in all one’s accusations
concerning one’s spouse, where does this really get us? It doesn’t get
us anywhere because we are stuck with all our negative feelings, and
we have no place to go with those negative feelings except for them
to become, at best, smoldering, underground fires which flare up
under the right circumstances, and, at worse, they simply become
more intense and entrenched over the years.
“If you ask married couples what they want when they start out,
almost all of them would say, they want: happiness, peace, harmony,
intimacy, trust, commitment, sincerity, respect. Yet, as Tolstoy, I
believe, once said, ‘everybody wants to go to heaven, but no one
wants to die.’
“And, die we must. We must die to what we want, and become
alive to what God wants of us -- in marriage and out of marriage.
“How can anyone possibly hope to perform a dance of love if one
is not prepared to listen to, and comply with, the music, the rhythms,
and the harmonies of the Divine Band. If we insist on marching to the
sound of our own drummer, we might be great individualists, but we
will be lousy dance partners – and, more than anything, life is about
dancing – not marching ... life is feeling the Divine music with all
one’s being and learning to go with the flow of that music ... therein
lies the secret of our happiness and contentment.
“When we are thoughtful, kind, compassionate, forbearing,
charitable, patient, noble, and so on, we are in synch with the Divine
music, and when we are in synch in this deep soulful and heart-felt
manner, we experience in our souls and our hearts, the justice and
love which permeates the universe. However, when we are selfish,
impatient, unkind, inconsiderate, unforgiving, and the like, then, we
distance ourselves from God’s music and we introduce disharmony,
injustice, and enmity as counterpoint to God’s melodies and rhythms.
“Neither partner in a marriage ought to lead. Both of them
should follow the Divine lead and learn the Divine Dance.
“When we are wrong, there is room for movement. One can
repent for the error one has made, and, then, struggle to become one
with the truth.
“When one is right, or believes oneself to be, there is no room for
movement, and one has no motivation to change one’s behavior.
Consequently, it is better to assume one may be wrong and allow
some degrees of freedom for improvement, rather than to presume
one is right and be stuck with a lot of negative emotional baggage one
cannot jettison because one has no incentive to do so – after all, why
should one change if one supposes oneself to be right or justified?
“If you look at the great saints, they have a profound sense of
humility and modesty. These people are friends of God, and, yet, they
are quite aware of their own imperfections and are willing to accept
the possibility that nearly everyone else is better than they are. They
always feel there is room for improvement.
“And, yet, people who are married, most of whom are not saints,
have almost no humility or modesty when it comes to issues of
assuming themselves to be right or justified in how they behave or
treat one another. This is a recipe for disaster.
“The purpose of marriage is not primarily about sexual
intimacy, or raising a family, or establishing a home -- although all
of these have their importance and their place. Rather, the primary
purpose of marriage is to have an opportunity for leaning about the
great lessons of life: patience, kindness, commitment, sincerity,
forgiveness, repentance, trust, gratitude, self-sacrifice, compassion,
and love.
“This is the essence of the mystical waltz, whereas the world calls
us to the Mephisto waltz, the exact opposite. When we dance to the
tune of the latter, we feel nothing but pain, and, ironically, despite all
of the misery the Mephisto waltz gives to us, its very nature is to
induce and incite us to indulge our bad moods, attitudes, and
feelings, and, in so doing, seduce us into refusing to give that dance
up even though we understand it is the source of all of our
unhappiness.
“One of the keys to learning the steps of the mystical waltz is to
stop criticizing God’s creation - and God’s creation includes one’s
spouse. With criticism, comes a hardening of our spiritual arteries,
and when the life line of our hearts become constricted, then, the
heart is less able to perform its intended function – which is to listen
to, be in synchronicity with, and respond to, the rhythms of the music
played by Divinity for the purpose of life’s dance.
“When we judge our spouse this fuels our sense of justification
for feeling angry, resentment, mistrustful, suspicious. And, such
emotions are never to our advantage ... only to our disadvantage
because they don’t accomplish anything of a constructive nature. All
they do is underwrite discord, enmity, separation, and self-
aggrandizement.
“Now, please don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying one
should have to put up with endless rounds of bad behavior from
one’s spouse. What I’m saying is a couple must search their hearts
and determine what kind of dance they are interested in pursuing –
the mystical waltz or the Mephisto waltz.
“Believe me, if a couple is truly interested in doing the mystical
waltz together, then, despite whatever mis-steps there might be, they
will work out the differences together in an amicable fashion, and,
then, move on. Moreover, people who are sincerely committed to
such a Divine dance will feel the joy and peace which comes when
they die to themselves in order to be able to trip the light fantastic in
a mystical way.
“If one, or the other, or both partners in a marriage are not
interested in learning how to do the mystical waltz, then, the bitter
fruits of this sort of intention will be all too painfully palpable. And,
under such circumstance it is better for these individuals to say
“Peace” and go their separate ways so that they might find partners
who share common values and purposes, and who are like-hearted
with respect to the nature of the dance they wish to do.
“Just as the moon is the last outpost of light from the sun in the
night sky, so, the soul is the last outpost of light from the spirit, in the
darkness of the material world. When two people become one in the
mystical waltz, then, as they dance their dance of harmony and
intimacy in the darkness, it is like dancing with the moon, for, by the
Grace of God, the light of the spirit shines upon their souls, and the
night becomes bright with the sound of music ... Divine music -- and
there is only one Source of rhythms, and one Source of movement,
and one Source of intimacy, and one Source of melody, and all
purposes are reconciled.”
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