Crisis
The President was woken in the early hours of the morning.
Something which couldn’t wait until the noon briefing must be
serious indeed.
She had been taken to the Situation Room without comment, and
there, waiting for her, were: the Joint Chiefs of Staff, her National
Security Advisor, the Directors of the CIA and FBI, the head of the
National Security Association, her Chief of Staff, the Press Secretary,
most of the Cabinet members, and a few individuals whom she didn’t
recognize right away but whom, presumably, had the appropriate
security clearance.
As she entered the room, everyone stood and said in unison:
“Good Morning, Madam President.” She acknowledged their
salutations with a nod of her head and took the seat at the head of the
large table.
“Be seated, ladies and gentleman,” the President said.
She poured herself some coffee from the urn in front of her, took
a sip to help clear the cobwebs of sleep and asked: “All right, what’s
going on?”
Her eyes took a quick tour around the table and she seemed to
encounter nothing but puzzled looks until she reached her Chief of
Staff, who had his game face on. She reversed her tour, just to
confirm her impression that everyone else was as much in the dark
as she was, and, then, came back to her Chief of Staff.
With an air of impatience, she said: “Well?” as her gaze settled
on her Chief of Staff. He shifted in his seat, obviously uncomfortable
with what he was about to say.
“We’ve got a real crisis on our hands,” he replied. He followed
up his opening salvo with: “I’ve taken the liberty of calling all of you
here because something has come to my attention that just couldn’t
wait until the scheduled noon briefing.”
“The Middle East, again?” the President asked with a sense of
urgency. Her Chief of Staff shook his head in the negative.
She paused for a moment, gulped, and inquired: “Has there been
a terrorist incident of some sort.”
Her Chief of Staff responded with: “Its too early to tell whether
there is a terrorist angle to this. That possibility is being explored as
we speak.” He looked at the President in a grim manner and
managed to stammer: “There has been series of verified outbreaks
of happiness recorded in a number of states over the last 24 hours, in
particular, and anecdotal accounts of such outbreaks have been
surfacing over the last six months.”
The head of the Center for Disease Control said with a note of
alarm: “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear what you said. There has been
a inexplicable series of what kind of outbreaks?”
“Happiness,” the Chief of Staff said through clenched teeth.
One of the members of the Joint Chiefs exploded with: “What
kind of an idiot are you, getting us all up in the middle of the night,
wasting our time with some nonsense about ‘happiness outbreaks’.”
The President’s Chief of Staff bristled and shot back: “You
military types lack both imagination and an understanding of how
this country works.”
He was about to go on when the President put her hand up and
said, in an imploring voice: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen, please.”
She turned to her Chief of Staff and said: “Bob, we’ve been
friends for a long time, and I have never known you to be frivolous
or an alarmist, but, I think I can speak for most of us around this
table when ... how shall I say this ... well, happiness is not usually the
sort of issue which brings us to the Situation Room.”
With concern in her eyes for her long time friend, she said: “Are
you feeling OK?”
Her Chief of Staff sighed. “I know what I am saying sounds
crazy, but let me try to fill you in on some of what has been
happening.”
He motioned to one of the aides and a map of North America
became visible. There were a number of small red circles on the map
positioned in various geographical regions.
“The red circles,” he began, “designate areas where outbreaks
of... of” – he took a deep breath and continued: “of a strange kind of
happiness have been reported during the last half year. The
concentrated circle of red here” – and he pointed to the map – “mark
the incident which has been documented within the last day.”
He was about to go on when the voice of the Attorney General
broke in: “Sorry, to interrupt, Bob, but I seem to recall that ‘pursuit
of happiness’ was one of the truths which were considered to be self-
evident in the Declaration of Independence, and while, off the top of
my head, I do not recall any specific mention of happiness which
appears in the Constitution, nonetheless, many commentators believe
that the idea of happiness is quite consistent with the principle of
promoting the General Welfare which appears in the prolog to our
Constitution. I don’t see the problem.”
“Believe me, Mr. Attorney General,” said the Chief of Staff, “I
feel fairly confident that the composers of the Declaration of
Independence as well as the framers of the Constitution likely would
have found the kind of happiness which, recently, we have begun to
place under surveillance to be far too starry-eyed for even their
idealistic tastes. In fact, perhaps the whole exercise of constructing a
constitution might have been considered irrelevant if the kind of
happiness which I am referring to were a common phenomenon back
then.”
He nodded to the same aid as before and the map of North
America was replaced with a huge picture of a man who was
obviously extremely happy. The Chief of Staff winced somewhat as
he looked at the picture – the condition seemed so alien and
unnatural.
Bob went on with his presentation. He braced himself and looked
at the photo again before quickly looking away in pain: “We believe
this man may be our zero vector for the infectious outbreak of
happiness, although the entire scenario has become complicated,
somewhat, because there seem to be strong indications that multiple,
apparently independent source vectors may be involved in this
phenomenon.”
As he said this, other photos appeared on the screen, consisting
of both men and women. All of the individuals depicted in the photos
seemed to be in the throes of some consuming sort of ecstasy.
The looks on the faces of the people seated at the table suggested
that no sane, rational person would dare to hazard even a wild guess
as to how such a condition was possible. The gasps with which the
photos had been greeted appeared to confirm the Chief of Staff’s
suspicion that the collective experience and expertise of the
individuals gathered at the meeting were being confronted with
something totally foreign and unknown to them.
While continuing to speak, he turned over a few sheets in the
dossier before him: “At this point, I’m afraid we don’t have very
much biographical information on the first individual you were
shown -- or, for that fact, on any of the people you see on the screen --
other than that they seem to be people of mystery and secrecy, and
these factors, in and of themselves, make these individuals ‘people of
interest’ to our investigation. We’ve heard rumors that they like to
stay out of the limelight for reasons of humility, but, we believe this
facade of humility may hide much more sinister intentions and
ambitions.”
He looked up from the folder before him, surveyed the people at
the table and, then, spoke to the President: “What I can say is this –
oftentimes, when secondary vectors -- ah, people -- come into contact
with these figures of mystery, the former individuals seem to become
infected with some sort of deep rooted sense of peace, contentment,
intense happiness, and, as well” – and here an ominous note crept
into his voice -- “they begin to change in troubling ways.”
The Director of the FBI spoke: “Bob, from our perspective at the
Bureau, we would assume that peaceful, content, happy people would
make good law-abiding citizens, and, therefore, should help crime
statistics to decline. What’s the troubling part of all this?”
Nodding in partial agreement with the FBI Director, the Chief
of Staff replied: “Under normal circumstances, I would tend to agree
with you, Jim, and I must admit that these people do appear, as far
as we have been able to determine, to be obeying the law, but what
is bothersome about all of this is that those who are infected seem to
lose interest in careers, money, economics, possessions, and politics --
I mean, even though they usually have jobs, pay their bills, and so on,
their commitment to the former items seems to be very superficial.”
One of the President’s economic advisors spoke at this point: “I
think I see where you might be going with all this, Bob. Many studies
have shown that much of our national economy is dependent on
people who spend money in an attempt to pick up their depressed
spirits, or to allay a sense of existential restlessness, or out of
boredom concerning life, or to enhance their social standing, or to
acquire power, or because they want what they want, when they
want it, or to attract the opposite sex.”
Bob pointed a finger at the economic advisor, smiled and said:
“Bingo.” As he nodded in appreciation toward the man who had just
spoken, the Chief of Staff said: “If you will permit me to complete the
picture which you have begun to draw Eric, our concern is this,
Madam President – if the sort of happiness about which I am
informing you begins to spread, well, our GDP is likely to take a big
hit. People who are content and happy with life are not the kind of
people we can depend on year after year to go on buying and
spending money. If this outbreak of happiness is not contained right
away, we could be talking about an extended recession ... maybe even
a major depression ... in just a few months, perhaps only weeks.”
As Bob’s words began to sink in, the member of the Joint Chief
of Staffs who had spoken earlier said: “I am sorry, Bob, for my
earlier, hasty judgment, and I hope you will take into account the
sort of stress we have been operating under over at the Pentagon, and
accept my apology for my previous remarks.”
Bob shook his head in a manner which indicated ‘no-problem’
and said: “It’s perfectly OK. I do understand.”
The general acknowledged the acceptance of his apology with a
wave of his hand and continued: “I do grasp the serious implications
for our country in relation to what you are saying, Bob, but has
anyone considered the possibility that there is an upside to this as
well? I mean if we could study this phenomenon and master it, we
might be able to use this happiness contagion to destabilize the
economies of countries who are unfriendly to us. This could be a lot
more effective in softening up a enemy than the deployment of any
number of armed divisions could be ... not to mention the lives of our
men and women in uniform such a strategy might save.”
A political advisor to the President joined in the discussion at this
juncture: “I don’t know about the viability of the General’s
suggestion -- although I’m sure we could earmark an extra billion, or
so, for increased Defense spending in the next budget so that we
could explore some of those possibilities -- but I have a more
immediate and practical concern.
“Content, happy people are not likely to be interested in making
sure they get a piece of the financial/material pie which the
government controls, and, therefore, if this happiness outbreak were
to become an epidemic, we could be looking at a substantial short fall
in future campaign contributions.”
Shaking a finger at the people sitting around the table, he added:
“ Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t need to spell out for you what that
might mean for all of our careers in public service. People who do not
depend on their government representatives for pork barrel kick-
backs, or for political favors, or for help in being happy, or for
making sure that things are run in accordance with their biases and
prejudices, well, why would those people want to give us any
campaign money?”
Grunts and groans of agreement were heard around the table.
This was a real crisis.
The Secretary of Defense said: “Madam President, should we
raise the Def-Con level in response to this situation?”
The President reflected on the Defense Secretary’s suggestion
and remarked: “Let’s hold off on that, for the moment, Mr.
Secretary. Before making that call, I would like to here from some of
the other people around the table.”
She looked over at the head of FEMA and said: “Dorothy, do
you have anything to add to the discussion?”
The person in charge of the Federal Emergency Management
Agency thought for a moment, trying to collect herself. She began
with: “As you might expect, Madam President, a happiness epidemic
is not something for which we have drawn up any contingency plans.
I’m sorry to say we may have dropped the ball on this one.”
She paused for a moment and, then, turning to the Chief of Staff
she asked: “Do we have any Haz-mat data on this? Has anyone tested
the water in these affected regions for contaminants, or have there
been any spills of hazardous wastes which might account for this
anomalous happiness-behavior?
“Maybe what we are dealing with here is a new, very subtle form
of Bio-terrorism. Didn’t you allude to something of this sort when
you first began laying this thing out for us Bob?”
The Chief of Staff shook his head affirmatively. “Yes, that’s
right Dorothy. We have managed to place some undercover people
in a few of the affected areas, and while the early reports indicate
that something strange is going on, unfortunately, several of these
agents have gone ‘native’ on us, and have resigned their positions --
apparently, peace, contentment, and happiness have become more
important to them than being patriotic and observing their duty.”
Bob leaned back and looked toward the far end of his side of the
table. He said: “I believe the NSA has been involved in the
investigation of this situation, so, perhaps, Dr. Davis, as acting-
director, you could shed some light on the matter.
Dr. Davis started slowly: “Well, there is much I cannot say at the
present time because not everyone in the room has sufficient security
clearance for a complete briefing to be given, but a full report is
being prepared for the President. However, I can say the following
– in conjunction with the National Institute of Health, the National
Science Foundation, and the Center for Disease Control, we have
done an extensive battery of biological and mental testing, including
an array of tox-screens in relation to this phenomenon, and, quite
frankly, we are stumped.
“If there is an infectious agent involved, it doesn’t appear to be
air-borne -- at least not down to a micron level which would
encompass such entities as viruses or even prions, nor does this
vector-force appear to get transmitted through physical contact. But,
apparently, association, of some kind, does appear to play a major,
causative role – although, as of yet, we still haven’t been able to
figure out the epidemiology of this process.
We may be dealing with a form of matter which is even more
exotic than the so-called ‘dark matter’ about which the astrophysics
community is so befuddled. In the meantime, we have put together
an elite group of mathematicians and quantum physicists to develop
models which may be able to account for what we are seeing -- but I
don’t see a breakthrough coming out of this work any time soon ...
hell, we don’t even know what quantum theory has to do with
general relativity, let alone consciousness, intelligence, creativity,
choice, or ... or happiness.
“Alternatively, some of our investigations have been moving in
the direction of several further possibilities involving either
brainwashing or, maybe, the adverse after-effects of some form of
sensory deprivation program which is inducing an artificial and
pathological happiness in those people who are being subjected to
such a process. We are pursuing a number of hypotheses in this
regard, but, at this point, we are not ready to make any final
recommendations.
“Finally, our cryptologists have been studying some documents
which have been found at, or near, the epicenter of these possible,
contagious outbreaks. We feel fairly certain there is an elaborate
system of code which is, somehow, connected to this whole thing ...
possibly part of a psychological environment which might induce an
unusual state of suggestibility – in any event, using an algorithm
consisting of certain prime numbers, we have been able to establish
the presence of a variety of keywords and phrases such as: love,
friendship, kindness, generosity, forgiveness, patience, compassion,
empathy, honesty, sincerity, self-realization, the essential self, and so
on, in the documents we have found, but, so far, we don’t know how
all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.”
The Director of the NSA looked around the table somewhat
warily and concluded with: “This is all I can say under the
circumstances, Madam President. I’m sure you understand the
reasons for my reticence.”
The President’s face remained impassive and inscrutable as she
listened to the Director of the NSA. When he had finished, she said,
generally, to the people assembled: “Anything else I should
consider?”
Her Press Secretary said: “Madam President, already I’m
coming under some aggressive questioning from a number of
nationally recognized correspondents and columnists. Somehow, they
have caught wind of the fact that something is going on in relation to
a wave of happiness, peace, and contentment which seems to be
sweeping selected, though, currently, restricted areas of the country
and that this phenomenon, whatever its nature, appears to carry
ramifications for the economy, national security, and the political
stability of the country.
“I don’t know how much longer I can keep them at bay. I think
we need a cover story of some sort. Maybe, we could float the idea of
a chemical spill which causes hallucinations and manic behavior.”
The head of the EPA chimed in with: “No, I don’t think that’s a
good idea. We would have the environmentalists all over us wanting
to know why we hadn’t taken precautions to protect the public from
such toxic chemicals. Moreover, they would want specific
information on the chemical nature of the compound and who was
manufacturing it and why.”
As they were all thinking about the exchange between the head
of the EPA and the Press Secretary, one of the people near the end of
the table opposite the President raised her hand for recognition.
When the President encouraged her to speak, she said. “My name is
Dr. Janice Holt, I’m with the National Institute of Health. I do
research in neuro-biochemistry with special emphasis on the role
which various neurotransmitters play in mental disorders.
“With respect to the Press Secretary’s concerns for a cover story,
why don’t we just say, for the time being, that there is a newly
discovered mental aberration which may be due to some sort of
genetically transmitted problem affecting the formation of neuro-
transmitters in the frontal cortex of the brain, and we are studying
the problem. We could say the happiness outbreak appears to be
related to certain kinds of bipolar disorders but requires further
study.
“Such an announcement will buy you time, Madam President,
until you know what you are dealing with. Maybe, the Press
Secretary could make an announcement concerning the formation of
some Foundation which is seeking to protect the mental health of the
general public, and, the announcement about the Foundation is being
used to, simultaneously publicize the President’s concern with this
happiness-outbreak issue.”
When the woman from the NIH was done, one of the President’s
political advisors said: “I like this idea. It is pro-active. It puts you,
Madam President, in a good light, as a caring occupant of the Oval
Office. It gives us plausible deniability because no one in the public
knows squat about neuro-biochemistry anyway, and, therefore, they
will have a hard time poking holes in what we are claiming. Maybe,
we could bring some people in from the Pharmaceutical Industry to
participate in the studies conducted through this proposed
Foundation and, thereby, pay back a few political IOU’s. It seems
like a win-win-win situation, Madam President.”
“Furthermore,” added the Chief of Staff, “if any of this
happiness outbreak begins to spread in an alarming fashion or
becomes too problematic, we can always hospitalize these individuals
who are in the throes of too much peace, contentment, and happiness
in order to protect them against themselves, as well as to promote the
general welfare of the public, which” -- nodding to the Attorney
General -- “as you have pointed out, is entirely constitutional, so we
will be able to keep the civil liberties people off our backs.”
The President smiled agreeably with the way things were
working out. She looked toward the Secretary of Defense and said:
“We will maintain our present Def-Con status, but let’s get
everybody to follow through on this. The Press Secretary can get
together with Dr. Holt from the NIH, as well as the heads from both
the Center for Disease Control and FEMA, to work out the details of
the Press Release. In addition, Bob, why don’t you get together with
some of the economic advisors and see if we can’t figure out how to
hide the money for all of this in an obscure line item for an upcoming
Bill that is likely to get passage through the House and Senate.”
The President thought for a moment more to see if there was
anything she had missed and, then, proclaimed: “The code name for
our collective efforts to deal with these inexplicable outbreaks of
happiness will be: Mysticism.”
Finally, she stood up, saying: “Thanks, Bob, for organizing this,
and I agree, if people begin to become as happy as the case studies
about which you have briefed us -- or, if the general populace even
begins to suspect there is such a reality, we will have a huge set of
political and economic problems on our hands that we may not be
able to control, so, we are going to need to be very vigilant about this
issue.”
She thanked everyone who attended the meeting and left the
room. People everywhere would be able to sleep better as a result of
political activities that morning.
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