Confessions
A man was reflecting on the nature of his life. Because he was an
honest man, he had tried to be unsparing in his self-assessment and,
consequently, he was becoming uncomfortable with what he was
seeing in himself.
There were a number of problematic themes that kept recurring
in his autobiography. However, there was one behavioral pattern, in
particular, which bothered him deeply.
Years earlier, he had become interested in mysticism. He had
been blessed with finding not only an authentic mystical guide, but
someone who was, by the grace of God, a very pure servant of
Divinity. After a time, the former individual had become initiated by
this teacher into the mystical way.
Among other things, this seeker believed that initiation should
christen the beginning of a deepening commitment to the principles
of spirituality. Accordingly, to be initiated meant that a person
should aspire to becoming more and more sincere about turning
theory into practice – to not just read and talk about the mystical
path, but to struggle to be what one was reading and talking about.
Yet, there was the rub. The spiritual seeker felt like he was a
hypocrite. There seemed to be a rather substantial discrepancy
between what he professed and what he actually did.
The man was so disturbed by what appeared to be an
unavoidable conclusion with respect to the review which he had been
conducting in relation to his life on the mystical path, he decided to
go to a friend of his, who also was a traveler along the esoteric way,
and confess everything to him, hoping his friend might have some
useful suggestions as to how get his spiritual life straightened around.
He began trying to summon up sufficient courage with which to
approach his friend. Revealing one’s faults to oneself is hard enough,
but to disclose those secrets to other another human being tends to be
far more painful and embarrassing.
Nonetheless, the man was determined to see this through until
the bitter end. When he was ready, he went to his friend’s house.
His friend received him, as always, with affection and warmth.
The rest of his friend’s family was away at some community event,
so the two were alone, and this made the man’s task considerably
easier – but still rather difficult.
After a few false starts, the man finally got down to the business
about which he had come. He said: “Probably, after you hear what
I have to say, you no longer will wish to be my friend, but I can’t live
this way any longer. I can’t live with my hypocrisy.”
His friend was surprised by the man’s words. He always had
considered his friend to be a good man -- a devoted husband and
father; someone to whom one always could go if one needed help with
some task or other; an individual of serious purpose concerning life.
Puzzled by his friends comments, he said: “Why do you think
you are a hypocrite? This is certainly not my impression of you.”
His friend smiled weakly at these words of encouragement and
replied: “That is very much like you to say such kind things, but, I
tell you, I am a hypocrite.”
His friend waited for him to continue on with his self-critical
account. Perhaps, the whole matter could easily be dealt with once
the specifics became known.
The one who was in a confessional mood began to expand on his
previous statements. “I’ll try to give you some examples of what I
have in mind. For instance, whenever I am with our spiritual guide,
all I think about is how to become a better person. When I am with
him, I am constantly feeling the nearness of God and, therefore, I
have no wish other than to remember and serve God. When I am
with our teacher, I feel like the purpose of life is so clear, and I lose
interest in everything else.”
The man sighed with frustration. His shoulders sank in despair.
“But, when I’m not in the presence of our spiritual guide, it often
seems like the mystical way is completely forgotten. I become less
dedicated to morally improving myself. I feel more distant from God.
I become preoccupied with my wife, children work, and the world.
The purpose of life seems less clear, more elusive.”
As the man spoke these words, his friend shook his head in
disbelief. Then, his friend laughed and said: “I thought I was the only
one who felt this way about things. Your confession is like a carbon
copy of what I have been agonizing over for quite some time now,
except you are more honest and courageous than me, because you
have had the integrity to speak about it, whereas I have been silent
about such matters.”
He followed up on his own confession with a suggestion: “You
know what we should do? We both should go to our teacher, tell him
everything, place our fate in his forgiving hands, and pray that he
doesn’t disown us.”
His friend thought the suggestion was a good one. After all, they
both had come this far, so they might as well go the full distance –
almost anything might be better than this deep sense of hypocrisy
which was gnawing away at them.
They decided to strike why the iron of confession was hot and go
to the house of their teacher right away. Hopefully, the teacher would
be home, not be busy with someone or something else, and be willing
to see them without their having made an appointment.
They traveled in silence to their guide’s residence. Each friend
anxious about what their immediate future might hold in store for
them respectively.
Fortuitously, their teacher was at home, not attending to some
other responsibility, and was prepared to receive them. The friends
were ushered into the house and taken to the living room where they
each were invited to take seats.
Once seated, the friends looked nervously at one another. They
each were trying to communicate with their eyes and their eyebrows
about who should be the confessional spokesperson.
Finally, one of the friends took the bull by the horns and began
relating their concerns to the teacher. As the first one would hesitate
for a moment, the other friend would continue on, picking up in the
critical commentary where the other one had left off. They played
leap frog in this way for a while.
The teacher listened attentively, without interrupting, to
everything the pair said. When the two seemed to wind down and
exhaust what they had to say, he smiled at them.
It seemed to be a smile of compassion, but the two were in such
a state that they feared it might be the smile of an executioner, ready
to rid the world of moral refuse. They awaited their collective fate,
hardly daring to breath.
They were not kept in suspense for long. Their guide continued
to smile and said: “Being concerned with your spiritual condition in
the way you both are is a good sign because it indicates not only that
you are serious about the mystical path but that you are not content
to merely talk about spirituality – you want to change your lives so
your way of being actively reflects the implementation of spiritual
principles.
“I hope you both will continue to maintain this sort of sincere
aspiration concerning the mystical path and continue, as well, to
struggle through the ups and downs of this way. However, you both
should know that if you were able to maintain the same level of
spiritual intensity away from my presence, as you do in my presence,
the angels would line up in order to be able to shake your hand.”
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